Yesterday I posted/ vented here about my frustration and pain associated with trying to understand the concept that I am responsible for my insecurity and emotions. I was not very mature in it, and certainly not very kind or generous.

The responses were not entirely kind, and in large ways I deserved it. Fearing that unkindness, and the lack of sympathy I perceive this community to have towards insecure men, kept me from reaching out earlier and shame about it is ultimately why I deleted that post.

But a lot of what was said helped me. I hated hearing most of it, but it stung because almost every criticism of me was at least mostly true, if not entirely.

The response to the post helped me work through my feelings. It reminded me that I am not entitled to anything from others out of nothing, but that I can have those things by being worthy of it.

I was getting the things I wanted (intention, respect for pain, attention) because the person I wanted it from loved me, and I was still resenting them because I was afraid of not feeling entitled to it.

I recognize now that my insecurity is my responsibility not because I'm not allowed to feel hurt or feel like I need something, but because nothing that person can do would satisfy my insecurity. That is why I have to work on it myself. Because others can't even if they wanted to.

There are so many concepts in polyamory that trigger insecurity. And the glee with which people support and engage in dynamics that repel me made me feel like I would need to be open to those dynamics if I can do any healing. I felt that way because Ive never considered myself as free to leave. Because my attachment was (is) so insecure, I feared that "free to leave" meant ambivilance to my presence, or my pain. Part of what helped me was knowing that my absence would have been felt deeply and that I do in fact have value in the relationships I am in. It helped me knowing that I can choose what I will and won't accept, and that not accepting something won't just mean ending the relationship.

I wanted my wife to respect my insecurities and avoid my pain by sacrificing her freedom and happiness. I am still terrified if being left behind, and terrified of feeling pain that ai know I need to find a way through, but I don't want to limit her happiness anymore. I want to be able to support her happiness, even when it doesn't involve me, and even if I experience hurt in the process. And I want to respect myself enough to know that i won't stick around if I do end up neglected, or the relationship stops meeting my needs.

Anyways, I hated reading what most of you said but that's not because I didn't need to hear it. I did. And I am in a better place right now because of it. So thank you. You shined a light on a very dark hole that I was in and I'm starting to climb out