hi all, I'm 26F and multiply disabled (I have multiple learning disabilities, a physical disability that's in remission, and multiple mental illnesses which i manage well but are objectively considered quite serious and complex to treat in the mental health world). I'm new to poly because I just wasn't that interested in romantic relationships until last year, and I'm now dating my long distance poly girlfriend of less than a year. my girlfriend has a NP of 5 years and they live in a country far from me that's very closed off in terms of immigration, which makes it hard for me to move there. I've pretty much been relationship anarchist in practice since I was 8 through having close intimate friendships with whom I'm highly committed to as life partners, and have always had difficulties with monogamy because of the pressure involved.

I currently dont need or expect caregiving from any of my closest friends nor my girlfriend because I've been pretty skilled at resource management, disciplined about managing autistic burnout and capacity, and flexibly adapting to my life as a disabled person who came from an abusive and neglectful family. I dont have immediate caregiving needs as all of my conditions are well-managed enough through various therapies, that I can hold a full-time job i find meaningful, engage in self-care routines for health, and have a fulfilling social life. I dont expect my life to continue being like this as just a few years ago, I was very ill and every part of my life was affected as I was poor and living with unsupportive family (this is the norm in my country, rent is more expensive here than in North America). I'm anticipating that my support needs will increase as I get into my 30s or if I have a flareup/new condition. for transparency, I'm also several years into unlearning being hyperindependent, but I also value my independence because it helps me seek out relations with people based on appreciation and enjoyment rather than based on need (which i dont have anything against).

am curious to get input from other disabled people: have you had to intentionally seek out partners who would want to and be good at playing a caregiving role in your life? I feel sort of weird about doing this because it feels frankenpoly-esque, sort of instrumental/codependent? but i also understand that practically, needs are needs yknow especially as disabled people, and theres nothing wrong with seeking it out if the other person isnt treated like an object. how did you navigate this especially if you have one partner providing caregiving and the other is not able to?

to me, it doesn't make sense to hold off on amazing close connections i make with people who are compatible with me who are unable to provide caregiving even if they wish they could, especially if I presently do have capacity to have them in my life. but idk, maybe other people are thinking/practising this differently and I'd like to learn about your experiences.