i’m in a difficult situation with some close beloved friends of mine and would really appreciate advice on how to broach the subject and where to begin with getting on the same page and helping myself feel more respected and heard. i am anticipating comments along the lines of “this is why i would never do xyz,” and kindly ask that you save it unless it’s constructive and nonjudgementally explanatory. i’m aware that i’ve made some newbie mistakes. it’s a long post so thank you for hearing me out.

i am very close with two friends of mine, lacy (she/her) and carter (they/them). they’ve been together for about 3 or 4 years, and i’ve been close friends with them for about 2. for most of the time i’ve known them, they’ve been monogamous. however, as of late, they have been a lot more affectionate, flirtatious, and physical with me, and the three of us have had a handful of threesomes, which i really enjoyed.

they enjoyed themselves too, but lacy seemed to have some anxieties and insecurities, a few of which she divulged to me over a cup of tea later. i always do my best to be a good listener, nonjudgmental, and honest. it was all pretty simple personal stuff, but there also seemed to be another layer of normal jealousy or insecurity happening. again, simple and normal in my opinion, just feeling a bit awkward or nervous during beats of the three of us having sex where she felt more “left out”. lacy is a pretty anxious person, and often hard on herself. but i love her very much and always try to support her as best i can.

as time has gone on, i’ve continued spending time with either lacy or carter one-on-one. this usually ends up in us kissing, and then that’s where the trouble begins. it seems that every time i start making out with lacy or carter, they interrupt it to give me an update about their agreement with one other on how far they’re comfortable with things physically escalating one-on-one. it seems like this is constantly changing, and never proactively communicated to me. typically lacy is granted a lot more leeway than carter.

i take them at their word for what they’ve agreed on and are okay with, and don’t push boundaries. but it’s starting to get old, because 1. it’s confusing to be caught between them negotiating and re-negotiating how they want their non-monogamy to work without proactive communication and, 2. it feels bad (uncomfortable? frustrating? sad?) for me to be getting physical with one person and not be able to do something we both want and consent to because of a promise they made to someone who’s not involved in the situation whatsoever.

frankly it all feels a bit arbitrary and overbearing. i feel like a teenager dry humping for jesus. i feel like what i need and want isn’t as actively sought out and factored into decision making. i feel left in the dark. i feel stifled by my relationship with one person evolving at the whims of someone else. i feel secondhand worry about how well they’re navigating nonmonogamy, and that i may be a destabilizing force in their relationship (i know that’s not necessarily true or my fault but i still worry). i feel like a sex toy being passed back and forth between lacy and carter, but not before having components unplugged against my will. i feel scared that this will fall apart into heartbreak and confusion. i could go on. but something’s got to give here.

please advise. how would you broach the subject? what would you say or ask? what is a generally good mindset to maintain going forward? any advice for a young unicorn just trying to make it in this big, scary, sexy world? thanks in advance.