In the past, I had a conflict with my meta, and I felt she was being blatantly disrespectful—condescending, sarcastic, unkind— all-around shitty to me. My partner didn’t see it that way at all. He didn’t recognize her behavior as mistreatment and instead said things like, “She’s scared of losing me” or “We’re all having a hard time.” Rather than acknowledging her behavior, he essentially excused it. While I was deeply hurt, I understood he was in a tricky position and let him off the hook. I figured he had a right to defend her because she was his partner. He said he refused to take sides.

The other day, I came across a post here that said good “hinging” includes a hinge defending one partner if another partner says or does something rude about them. That struck me. It made me wonder if staying neutral is the right thing.

To me, it makes sense that love doesn’t mean turning a blind eye to bad behavior just because the person in question is your partner. Especially when that means you’re turning a blind eye to something that is hurting your other partner! But I know it’s a bit complicated.

Personally, I want relationships where I feel emotionally safe and supported. If someone in my partner’s life mistreats me, I want to feel confident that my partner will defend me, even if that person is important to them.

Where’s the line here? When is it appropriate for a hinge partner to stand up for one partner to another? Or is that “taking sides”? How do you navigate situations like this in your relationships, if they happen? Should a hinge always remain neutral, or should they hold their partner accountable?