38/male/straight here- I’ve seen a pattern in all my poly relationships. And recently I spoke to a friend who is experiencing the exact same pattern, so I am not the common denominator here. (Only using gendered language because I’m relating my experience, I do not mean to imply any of this is gender specific).

If I am not feeling good about a potential meta, I’ll express what I am feeling about it, we’ll talk a bit, and after I feel heard and that I am supported, and I will trust her and not get in the way.

If she doesn’t like a potential meta, she will focus on the faults of the meta and my faults for being interested in the meta, all while saying she is not going to tell me what to do. And if I move forward anyway, I’ll have to endure the same conversation over and over, which is incredibly draining. It makes it so I am reluctant to make connections because I do not want to spend time (which I equate to life) in that kind of suffering. I’ve ended relationships with other partners because my home life became a constant drip of passive aggressiveness and conversations where I cannot seem to connect with my partner because she is not owning her feelings and instead trying to make the reasons for her displeasure external and objective.

I’m single now. The question I have is, how can I propose some kind of agreement that prevents this wildly unbalanced pattern from repeating?