Pardon the length, I am a bit neurodivergent, and don’t want to be misunderstood. I’m seeking opinions and advice.

I’m found this subreddit last year because my spouse wants polyamory, with or without me. I have read 100s of the posts here, including “dear monogamous people,” “most skipped steps,” and recent conversations about hierarchy. We have consumed other literature and podcasts, and started ENM-informed counselling. Reading posts and comments on this subreddit has helped me assert my right to informed/enthusiastic consent, and helped me assert boundaries around honesty and cheating.

I want to engage with more stories and opinions around so-called vetoes/ultimatums. I’m trying to anticipate potential problems to make an informed decision. I want to be ethical but also protect my own emotional health.

(I’m assuming a scenario like my own nested marriage with kids). Common stories on this subreddit: Birch asks Aspen to kill their monogamy. Maybe it’s “honey, I would ideally want poly”, maybes its “accept poly or divorce.” Usually Aspen is hesitant, but cares about Birches happiness and autonomy. Maybe they gaslight themselves into consent (convince themselves that their pain and concerns are toxic) or are manipulated to accept their spouse’s “poly identity.” In some stories Aspen isn’t hesitant, they are naive and assume poly is easy.

In some stories they are both patient and considerate, and take years to build the right foundation. Maybe Birch waits for Aspen to date first. Birch eventually dates Cedar/Spruce/Pine and Aspen realizes they feel depressed. Maybe they self-sooth well, but know the pain is a symptom of a real problem. Maybe they are suffering so much that the kids notice. At some point Aspen is honest but not making an ultimatum. “Birch, I am suffering because of ABC, please change XYZ.” Maybe Birch compartmentalizes their NRE better, goes out less, offers reassurances. Or maybe Birch says “sorry but I’m not slowing down, don’t violate my autonomy, I’m not responsible for your emotions.”

Maybe Birch is spending every weekend with Cedar because “full committed relationships require a time investment,” and Aspen feels an imbalance. Maybe Aspen resents that they and Birch don’t have enough dates. Maybe Birch isn’t initiating as much sex or affection, and Aspen is struggling to get other partners. Maybe Aspen is worried about whether Spruce is truly practicing safe sex elsewhere or being ethical, and Birch says “stop, this isn’t your relationship.” Maybe Aspen is worried Cedar is trying to take Birch away from them, and Birch dismisses those concerns.

At some point Aspen says “I’m suffering, this is too much of a sacrifice for me, I need _”

What if the concern is around a specific meta?

“Cedar is demanding too much time / I’m worried about STIs from Spruce / you’re texting Pine too much. This is the tenth time I’ve brought it up and you’re not making a change. It’s me or them.” Many people on subreddit say that so-called vetos/ultimatums are unethical, Aspen is being controlling by asking Birch to “dispose of” Spruce/Cedar/Pine. But if Aspen doesn’t ask and just breaks up, isn’t that treating Birch as disposable? Aspen isn’t obligated to set themselves on fire to keep Birch warm, and they do have a right to advocate for their needs, right?

What if Aspen wants to return to monogamy with Birch. Aspen is free to ask, just like Birch asked for polyamory, right? Birch is free to say yes or no. Is this it unethical to ask? Should they just surprise Birch with divorce papers? Aspen is entitled to divorce for any reason, but why not offer Birch a choice?

Perhaps the overall answer is “Aspen shouldn’t have agreed to poly if they were hesitant.” Well too late, they are past that point. Is it shitty or unethical for them to have tried in the first place? Shouldn’t Birch have anticipated this possibility? Shouldn’t Cedar, Spruce, and Pine have anticipated this possibility, assuming there was disclosure about relationship history and hierarchy? (“This is why I don’t date newbies,” used to trigger me; but now I really respect it).

I feel like there are no objectively correct answers. If Aspen is suffering they should be honest and advocate for their needs. It’s a shitty situation with no toxic controlling abuser, just people who are not compatible anymore. I feel like all “relationships” especially nested with kids involve some compromises and sacrifices. You can’t just be totally selfish without potentially causing hardship and suffering. A partners love, care, commitment is volunteered not owned. I feel like so-called vetoes/ultimatums are just a warning for the sake of negotiation, rather than surprising someone with a break up.