Before I start I was reading the sub rules and I know I am going to be on the younger side in general so I was not sure whether to post this on r/relationships, r/relationships_advice or r/infidelity, so if I should post this somewhere else let me know and I will do so.

My ex (19F) and I (19M) had dated for over 2 years, but we didnt just start dating when we met. We have been childhood friends, neighbors, and best friends since junior high. Even before the relationship started we were each others other half. That's initially why we started dating, we were always happy together and always wanted to see each other, we were basically already in a relationship and we just decided to make it official. We have been so happy together, so compatible with each other. I am extremely self conscious about my looks, my height, all that stuff, and have also been self conscious because I always thought I was dating up. All of my friends and other people would talk about how beautiful she is and how lucky I am. Part of me always thought that she could drop me at any moment and find someone better. But I suppressed those feelings because I knew how much she cared for me and how much I cared for her.

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Just last week she suddenly broke up with me over facetime, we go to separate colleges and we both knew that because of this, our relationship had a high chance of ending. We wanted to end on a good note and have talked about in the past visiting each other one last time as like a "last fling" I guess you could call it so we could end with some closure and stay as good friends. Obviously this is what everyone wants, but we thought it would work because on top of being in a relationship, we have been best friends for like 6 years before we even considered dating. I had tickets to visit her anyway last week that I had bought a month ago and she knew about. She broke up with me the day before I was supposed to come and told me "its up to you if you want to still come or not". I thought of course I would come because we always talked about ending on a good note.

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This post is already getting lengthy and honestly I could go on for hours and hours on every detail, but basically I still went and she was my host while I stayed for a week. But something seemed off, she was actively avoiding me and didnt spend any time with me. Even if we were ex's now, she was ok with me coming and she was just treating me like a burden for being there and treating me like I was not even her friend. I was extremely hurt and when I asked her about it she said she has just been extremely busy. I later found out (not from her) that she had been seeing another guy for awhile, I do not know how intimate they have been but I know they have slept in the same bed multiple times and have been extremely flirty as well as sending messages to each other such as "I miss you" and stuff like that. Whether she physically cheated or not, she had been emotionally cheating on me for awhile and had been lying to my face about loving me still.

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When I confronted her about it she handled it extremely immaturely and instead of apologizing for her actions or anything like that, she just got angry that I had found out, and when I was explaining why I was hurt she took it as an attack and just left back to her room leaving me outside. I bought a plane ticket home early because she did not want to host me anymore and I could not stay there any longer, I stayed with a different friend at that college for 2 days until my flight and she helped me through my rough spots. I have friends here at my college who have been a great support system but I cant burden them with my problems forever. No matter how hard I try to just move on or focus on myself, no matter what my ex did to me I still love her so much, I spend every minute of my free time thinking of ways to justify her actions and stay friends. I know I should cut off all contact but its just too difficult, I have not messaged her at all but still. It was like not only did our 2 year relationship that worked so well we were already planning post college plans together, mean nothing to her, but she also acted like our childhood friendship meant nothing and our entire lives together meant nothing. She has completely moved on from me before I even began moving on from her. I am extremely bad at expressing feelings and writing about them but im sure people in this sub will understand what I mean. None of my friends who are acting as my support have been in long term relationships and most have actually never been in a relationship at all, so although they have feelings and can see where im coming from. It is hard to explain to them how painful it actually is. I stay up late, cant eat, cant drink, and worst of all cant focus on schoolwork when I am taking a really difficult semester and have midterm season coming up this upcoming week. I live a relatively quiet life because I had everything I needed, good friends, a loving and caring girlfriend, schoolwork, and some extracurriculars. But now its not like an extension of me has left me. Its like half of me has left. Any hobby I try to do to not think about her, any tv shows I try to watch, even videogames I try to play, I always think of her because we were completely entangled and enmeshed in each others lives.

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I guess in the end its just, I am the type of person who cant control their emotions, whether theyre happy or sad. and right now I am experiencing the most depressing and angry emotions I have ever felt in my life. I have set up counseling appointments this week which will hopefully help, and my friends are there for me but they have their own lives and busy schoolwork that I do not want to burden them with my problems constantly. How can I, by myself, move forward? I cant even do things that I thought were mine (like videogames or studying or working out) without thinking of her because we did everything together. We had lived together over the summer for 3 months because we had internships in the same place. We were already planning where to live together after college. I know im young and I am confident I will move on, I just have never moved on from such a long and committed relationship before and the way it ended made it even worse. No closure, no justification, just a really shitty ending to a 2 year relationship and 8 year bestfriendship. and she gets everything she wanted, me out of her life and now she can be with this new guy without thinking of me in any way.

Edit: something I should mention is although this post seems mostly about the breakup. For me it's so much worse because I know the last 2 weeks or so of problems we've been having are because she has been with this guy. The breakup sucks but the fact that she did this behind my back while telling me our relationship could work out makes ur worse