My wife had a very brief affair more that 10 years ago that went further physically that she has ever admitted, even now. Lately the memory had been buzzing around in my head again. I've posted the entire story here to get it of my chest. I wrote that we're in a very good place right now and have been for a long time. I don't hold any grudges against her at all anymore.

I thought I would receive much more balanced opinions and was taken aback by the outspoken comments. Also, I've not created a throwaway for my post and have been submitting some accounts of our recent adventures together, which I thought might come over as a bit conflicting and contradictory. That's why I removed the post. I regret this a bit now.

First of all I've decided that I am going to take up the subject with her at some point, rather sooner than later. I'm still formulating the message for myself, because I absolutely want to convey it is no longer a danger to our relationship on my part. I just need to get full closure. I think she can take it.

Second, because I read a lot of stories here that are about very recent events and I feel that a lot of advice tends toward ending the relationship. I'd like to offer a dissenting opinion.

I might get shot down for it, but don't care. Allthough I absolutely agree there are situations from which recovery is impossible, when at least some remorse is shown you might not want to do anything rash.

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When my wife decided to end the affair, expressed regret she let it happen and asked me for an attempt to reconnect, the discussion was quite emotional. However, she also included a more rational message. She placed more value in our relationship than in the feelings she developed which she decided might not last. This sounds heartless, but we're both engineers and rationality comes natural to us and so I evaluated the argument.

I came to conclude that she alluded to the important distinction between falling in love and being in a relationship. The first one is always temporary, the latter is longer lasting. Developing feelings for someone can happen at any time. There's nothing magical about it. In a relationship, these feelings can and will seem to dissapear from time to time. Sometimes this will have a reason, sometimes none at all. In a good relationship they should always reemerge, but this can take time and mutual effort.

In between, anyone is vulnerable to some degree, especially when there is an undisclosed reason. I'm sure most infatuations are not persued, never talked about and come to pass uneventfully. Sometimes however, defenses can have broken down so much that desire takes over. When the affair is discovered, most people seem to draw the line according to the extent this desire was acted upon.

My wife clearly feared that as well, because she only admitted to kissing several times but never told about sleeping together, which I found out anyway. I admit, it devastates you and tears your guts out. It brands you for life. It did for me. I had that line too. It was crossed. I had to send her away and try to somehow move on.

I'm so very glad I didn't.

It took time to pick up the pieces and glue them back together, but we did. Over the years we fell in and out of love with each other. I've had minor crushes on people as I'm sure she's had too, but since then we've always kept the bond strong enough not to act on them and to end up in each other's arms again.

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As I said, an affair leaves a mark and I'm convinced it cuts into both partners. The only thing left for me is to get absolutely everything in the open, even after so long, so we can finally compare battle-scars.

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