Today Id like to share my story of my past 5-6 years with the first and greatest love of my life, and how I broke her by projecting my inner trauma on her.

Let me start off by saying, I am not proud of what I have done and am completely heart broken. Not only did I break her down, but I broke myself and tore everything apart. I don’t completely blame myself because it takes two, but I take my part in this.

Now let’s talk about the beginning of our relationship. We started as just short term dating, not expecting anything extra. Little did we know, an amazing love for each other unfolded.

We both had our issues that we hid away. She was on drugs badly at the time, and I was running from some of my deepest childhood trauma. Her drug addiction was very bad, and her drug of choice was opiates. I’ve dealt with many opiate addicts and they’re almost impossible to get clean.

One day I had to tell her, I can’t see her anymore. Her drug addiction was too bad and I am an entrepreneur. It’s not my job to watch her or fix her. I had a long and meaningful talk over the phone with her, and that day she made the decision to quit drugs to be around me more.

A couple months go by and we ended up moving to another state near my family. After one night together, we had a profound experience that I can only find to be explained as a “Kundalini Awakening” - even after our break, we both still believe this to be true.

The awakening was very intense. Our bodies and spirits collided as we were morphed into one. What triggered the awakening was me confessing to her all my deepest secrets and trauma. Once I confessed, she accepted me with open heart and open arms.

We were so close to each other that we were able to communicate telepathically. It’s such a hard moment to describe, everyone thinks we are crazy. Ever since that day, our souls have been bonded together.

She gave me her full commitment and dedication, her whole heart. The beginning of our relationship was so beautiful, we constantly watered each other for growth. But little did I know, I wasn’t ready to love her because I didn’t love myself… So eventually I started drinking heavily.

Alcohol and I are not friends. When we first met, I wasn’t drinking at all. It was an entire year I didn’t drink alcohol, then our first new years together I decided I wanted to try drinking again. This was a terrible idea because when I drink I can’t stop.

Drinking turned into arguments, and those arguments turned into me looking to gain control anyway possibly. Yelling, belittling, name calling, threatening, etc… I did so much bad things to break her down, I will always regret and have remorse.

She used to not fight back. Her reaction was just tears. As I am writing this, I just cannot believe all that I’ve done. I must forgive myself, but damn… why do I have to build something so beautiful just to set it on fire?

Eventually she got tired of crying in front of me. The tears turned into fighting back. This was a sign of reactive abuse. She was reacting with abusive traits towards the way I abused her. She began to project the abuse right back into me, but she could never top me…

The last 2 years were a decline, but the last 1 years was hell. It started to spiral downwards on my last years birthday - she got drunk blacked out and snapped on me. After this, we started drifting, living in the same house but avoiding each other. In the roommate phase.

Now this is where people always tell me “it’s not your fault” - which is correct, it takes two to tango. However, I’d say 70-80% of this is my fault easily. At least over 50%.

This year, 1 week after my birthday, she cheated on me. It completely broke me. When I confronted her, she told me everything and that she still loves me and has been emotionally checked out for a while. I did not once realize how much pain I put this woman through.

Now, there is NO excuse for cheating but there is also NO excuse for emotional abuse. I broke her down, and her cheating makes my heart and soul feel like she leveled the playing field.

I practically manifested this because apart of my abuse was telling her, “if you want to break up, you’re going to have to cheat on me. That’s the only way I’ll leave.” - I said this over a dozen times, and you probably don’t want to do this if you don’t want your SO to cheat.

We are separated now but still keep in touch because we genuinely love each other. It sounds crazy, but the past month has been the best communication we have had in a long time.

She taught me so many valuable lessons, and we were placed into each others lives when we needed each other the most. We quite literally saved each other. We were 2 halves coming to make a whole - only to figure out it doesn’t work like that.

For a relationship to flourish, both partners must be whole. There’s no way around it. This inevitably was the demise of our relationship.

Emotional Abuse is such a hard thing to overcome, and I’ve made a commitment to myself to never treat another human or soul like that again… she still cares about me and is open to coming back together, but first we must heal OURSELVES! Nobody can heal you but YOU.

If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek therapy IMMEDIATELY! I wish I did so much. I never realized how much my childhood trauma was affecting my relationships.