Hey internet strangers.

I've posted previously about my Soon To Be Ex Wayward Husband (stbxwh) but I guess this is more of a break down rant then anything.

It's been a year since d-days 1-2 and 6 months since he left me for affair partner number 5 (AP5). I'm in a good relationship with someone that actually treats me well and everything is on the up and up. I'm struggling financially (who isn't) but finally have enough start the divorce. I've been no contact for almost 3 months.

I hate my stbxwh so much. Looking back through messages (while deleting them) showed me that I was always begging for his attention and affection. It was so rarely just given to me. I feel so used and pathetic. It also showed that he was likely cheating long, long before I found out. And logically, I know he's a heartless shell of a person that can only be satiated by bringing people down to his forever broken and lonely level. He's a selfish liar that enjoyed cheating and having a doting wife that put him so high on a pedestal she can no longer reach to take him down. He's a hypocrite and a gaslighter and under no circumstances so I ever want him in my life again.

So why do I think every knock on my front door or car driving down my street might be him coming to see me. To apologize and say he was wrong and that he loves me and I'm worth the hard work to fix us. Why am I still here, sobbing over him and feeling crushing pain knowing that I meant nothing to someone I still love and had loved for 7-8 years. I should be overjoyed to finally file for divorce since he'll never do it and the law here doesn't award him anything unless we've been married 3 years (will be 2 in October). And instead I feel like the world is ending. Every other aspect of my life is great, he's just not in it and that Should be a major improvement. And instead I just want to die. I don't know if it's just a depression episode or a panic or anxiety attack (on meds for those plus PTSD from all this) but I keep getting so many intrusive thoughts about downing every pill bottle and hoping it's enough to put me out of my misery. I don't want to be this weak and I'm putting on a strong "I don't give a fuck" mask around my roommates and bf but I'm scared he might have broken a part of me that isn't fixable or tolerable and I'll lose them too if I keep falling apart like this. I'm just so scared I'll never be able to love someone else (he wasn't my first long term relationship but he was the first person I genuinely loved, honestly I thought I wasn't capable of it before I met him), and that no one will be able to tolerate let alone live me back.

Small Update

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded. It's just been so hard trying to cope with "why" he did this and how I feel about everything and the future that's been destroyed.

I'm signing divorce papers this month and he's going to be served. My bf knows about everything and how I'm feeling but he's a very "just don't think about it or let it bother you" kind of person, which is fine, but that method doesn't work with a racing mind. He's honestly been great and has been helping me through this for months now, even before we became exclusive. He might move after he graduates some time next year so I'm not sure if we'll last. I've been using Baldurs Gate 3 to cope and pretend I don't have the problems I have. It's been a nice escape.

I did find some peace and answers when I stumbled upon Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. My Soon to be Ex Husband checks every single box and the side effects for victims might as well have my name scribbled on it. Based on things he's said and done, I think he's a seriously ill man who honestly believes all the lies he's told. I'll leave a link for reference on this type of abuse.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse/

I wish I could go to therapy but I'm struggling financially at the moment. I plan to go as soon as I can.