Simple background real quick....

I'm I love with my roommate. We weren't supposed to be in a relationship, he was just helping me out when we started developing feelings and whatnot.

Now that he decided he may want more with me I keep somehow screwing it up bc I open my mouth and have feelings about things and when it isnt what he thinks or e disagrees with then it gets bad bc I try o finally stand up for myself and Stan my ground on the subject v it's super important to me. I think if someone cares about you then what is important to you kit should r considered more and like meet in the middle , but since he is so quick to shut me.down I don't know how e truly feels. His words don't match his actions....I just wish he could be straight up about how he feels but it's always left open ended for me to figure out on my own. Like I ask if he meant it when he wanted me to leave and he says I need to figure out what I want to do. So I tell him of course I don want to leave and so he says we'll then I guess you're not leaving. But what does that mean? Does he want to keep pursing a possible relationship or he just doesn't want to feel bad for asking me to leave so he leaves it up to me?

I just need clarity on what I should do as well. He told me he "was seriously considering something between us" which he meant a relationship bc we weren't ready for one we decided at the beginning of things but since things have developed into more and I love him I don't wanna give up . However he doesn't give me some of the things I find extremely important in a relationship. Such as hugs and kisses or him holding me at night. I always have to make the first move for anything and it makes me feel undesired or unwanted and I hate it. So like when I mention it, it turns into an argument or nothing is resolved. I am so confused about everything.

I am so scared to walk away from him bc I care so much and what if he just has his guard up or whatever and doesn't talk about things. Or what if I will change and we have a great relationship later?

I am 36 and am too old to waste time bc I just missed out on so much of my life while in a bad relationship that I don't want to miss out more and I just want someone to love me the way I love them and so if he will never be affectionate am I wasting my time?

Do I try for the hundredth time to bring this up and risk another fight or losing him. I feel like every time I try to see where he is he won't give me a clear answer but he won't let me go either. Like it hurts a lot but i try to just make him happy and I am trying to focus on me more but I don't know how to separate my feelings. I'm sensitive and I hate it. I want to be able to be who I am and be accepted but I am told I'm difficult to live with and all I am trying to do is make things easier on him. Not harder but when I'm told these things it makes me want to just run away from all of this so I don't bother him anymore or so I dont keep getting my feelings hurt.

Any advice on how to get thicker skin or whether he's just taking advantage of me. Or does he truly care!? I mean I know he cares but is he capable of caring for me the way I need to be such as the affection thing. Do i sacrifice my happiness and needs while hoping he will come around and care about what I need? Am I just there for the time being because the kids love me and people tell him he should take advantage of what's in front of him (me) and not miss out on an opportunity.

I want to be someone's first choice. Not their last resort or wild card. I just don't know what to do about this at all so man questions that I am scared to ask bc I have been made to feel so small in my past relationships and I didn't matter and so like I don speak up for myself all the time but when I do I somehow ruin everything and I don't know if it's self sabotaging so I can leave before he has a chance to hurt me or what

Thanks to anyone who actually read all this. I guess I needed to get it off my chest or something. I never thought I was a bad person or hard to deal with. I thought I always was caring and did anythi to make sure the person I was with was happy but I have been finding out lately that isn't the case and it sucks

Have a great day everyone.