We’ve been friends for 3 years now, and we both consider each other to be our best friends. Since she started dating her new friend, she’s still been talking to me everyday, and calling almost as much. She knows that I’ve had feelings for her for a long time now, but simply put, she does not feel the same way.

That said, I have been fluctuating between being fine and not fine with her dating her boyfriend. Sometimes, I feel like it doesn’t phase me, because she reassures me when I need it. She’s very patient, mature, and self-aware of my feelings because she’s been through similar situations before. That, and we both understand each other really well. But other times, I feel my inferiority complex seep through. I feel lesser than her boyfriend just because he holds that place in her life. And when I express this to her, she tells me “if I didn’t want to hang out with you, I wouldn’t.” She tells me that I’m still her best friend, that she’s happy to spend time with me, and would be devastated if she were to lose me.

You’d think that with all this reassurance that I’d be secure with myself. But I always come back to feeling like I’m not an equal. I’m aware that it’s not that way with just the boyfriend, but with her too, with many of my friends and peers. That’s actually the reason why she doesn’t feel the same way about me, she told me. Because I see myself as lower than her, when she doesn’t see that as the case. I feel like this may have to do more with my self-esteem than it does with the relationship, but I believe it’s important to note.

If I’m to mention the more relationship-related troubles I have with this situation, I do get jealous and upset when I think about what they could be doing together. I look at her status on Discord because my ADHD brain has nothing better to do, and when I see her come online and not reach out to me, I just think about her interacting with him and it triggers me. And perhaps this is TMI, but I have an addiction to masturbation as well as porn. I have a hard time getting her out of my head when I’m giving into that habit. So it’s been riddling me with more guilt now that she’s taken. Pain too, thinking about them together. I haven’t approached her about that because I feel like that’s a private boundary that should stay in tact. But it is excruciating to me when my mind doesn’t want to shut up about that. I recognize that these are unhealthy habits, and I’m not proud of them. They might be natural, but it doesn’t change that I want to move on from them.

In terms of her talking about her relationship, she is careful about what she does and doesn’t say in front of me, because she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to make me suffer. I ask her questions about them together, out of curiosity, but she’ll sometimes refuse to answer because “there’s no outcome where it makes you feel any better.” But I almost feel like not knowing is sometimes worse. Like if she would share some details to other friends but not me, it makes me feel like she doesn’t trust me as her best friend. Though, I know she tells me about everything else going on in her life, so I shouldn’t complain. My curiosity is partially based out of morbidity. She is being considerate.

I don’t know how to conclude this post, but if there’s any constructive feedback to be given on anything I said, I’d greatly appreciate it.