i, a 19f need help deciding if i should try and repair the relationship with my father (56m). So for some context, him and my mother divorced before i was two, so i have no memories of them being together. he moved to a different state when i was very young so it’s always been a strained relationship. even when we were “close,” we only saw each other a few times a year and only called/texted every few months. and when we did talk, he would always try to convince me to move to his state with him or go to college in that state so we could be closer. both my parents put me in the middle of their issues as i was growing up, and i ended up being the one who had to talk to my father about why he wasn’t paying child support when i was only about 12 or 13. they also only talked negatively about each other when brought up in conversation. now onto some of the trauma. most of my childhood he was drinking/drunk, and he was an angry drunk. i witnessed a lot of fights between him and my stepmom, some of which got physical. one time they were fighting over dinner when my dad pushed my stepmom up against the counter, and she started to reach for the knife block behind her. they then went upstairs and screamed at each other while throwing things (my half sister and i were about 10 and my half brother was around 6 or 7). my dad would go ballistic over the smallest things, like my half brother accidentally knocking a bowl of food off the table (he was like 4 or 5). in fourth or fifth grade i was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and when i approached my dad about signing a consent paper for me to start taking antidepressants, he said, and i quote, “pull up your big girl panties and get over it.” needless to say my mother was very upset and he ended up signing the paper, but anytime i stayed with him he got incredibly uncomfortable whenever i had to take my meds. my fathers drinking came to a head when his father passed (2013). he switched from beer to hard liquor and was lying about his whereabouts so that he could go and get drunk. he eventually ended up in the hospital with liver failure, but didn’t tell me he was in the hospital dying until he was almost out of the hospital. a few years later (2018ish) he relapsed and got sent to the hospital again, where his heart stopped for two minutes. he was revived, but he didn’t feel the need to tell me he died until almost a year after the fact. he also didn’t understand why i was upset that he didn’t tell me that earlier. my entire life he has been making promises that never get kept, the most recent being at my high school graduation in 2021. he told me he would be able to help me get things i needed for school/my apartment and that i just needed to ask. well shortly after my graduation he got covid, and he texted me and told me that. i responded and then never heard from him again until today. he called and made a bunch of excuses and deflected the blame (to me, my mother, and my older sister) like he always does. he apparently thought i was mad at him or that something happened to make me not want to talk to him anymore, but he never thought to reach out and see why i would be upset. on the call, he said “you thought i abandoned you, and i thought you abandoned me,” even though he is the parent and it’s mainly his responsibility to maintain a relationship with me. he says that he wants to try to fix our relationship, but i’m not sure if that’s what i want at this point. any advice?