First of all, let me say this: Breaking up is not an option. We've been together for 6 years, live together and are planning to get married. She is the person who knows me best and I don't have a single bad thing to say about her. I want to fix this. I want to work this through.

But I don't know how. I feel like I'm the root of all my own problems.

I cannot remember when this all started, but let's say I know it is not normal for me to be this... avoidant, uptight, uncomfortable. We used to enjoy being close, cuddling, kissing, and through the years, we managed to explore her sexuslity together so that she became more and more active in bed, more in contact with her needs. Things were great.

Yet today, I always miss her when she's gone and would, in theory, want to have sex again - to be able to kiss again! - but my body refuses to. It wants to keep its distance and shuts down. I feel sudden discomfort and when she noticed, brush it off as hunger/tiredness, or I kiss her mechanically. I've started to avoid hugs because I am afraid she ends up kissing me or takes initiative to sex. I seem to have zero capacity to be in any ways intimate.

I have no idea if this is just me having some anxious/avoidant attachment issues to process through but it feels I have no means to solve the situation. We're monogamish so basically she could always seek intimacy from someone else and it would be fine for me, but some part of me is afraid she'll end up cuddling with someone else, realises how I lack as a partner, and stops trying with me like I've stopped trying with myself.

I know I cannot avoid communication forever, I am too afraid to talk about this to my partner, not because she would judge me but because I lack words...! I've tried a few times but end up rambling without knowing what to say or do. Since I have no clue what's wrong, we'll get nowhere. My worst fear is that she'd start thinking she is to blame somehow.

All my bloodwork has been done, nothing strange there. I'm eating a low dosage of mood stabilisers and have just started therapy (even though I don't really get anything out of it. I am totally aware that my relixtance to intimacy might only be a life situation issue and therefore temporary, but I don't want to just wait it out and hope for the best.

Do you have any advice? I am open to everything from couples exercises to getting a kid together (just kidding, we don't want kids. But you get the deal.)