Soo confusing story but I'll try and break it down a little:

before my current relationship with my boyfriend, I (stupidly) tried out f with another dude and that was when I just wanted to experience sex for the sake of it. I tried it out with him a couple of times, I didn't like it though, and that was basically it then. I didn't open up to him, not even during sex, tried to escape and was ashamed of it.

Then I met my current boyfriend and had sex with him for the first time. For me, that somehow really felt like sex. I became conscious of it, got proud of it, and matured somehow. I really love it. Now I actively see myself as a sexual being and overall think about it much healthier than before. There are so many things I only experienced and developed with him.

Now my question: With whom would you really consider my first time? Feels like my first time on paper would've been with my former f and my real, conscious first time would've been with my boyfriend. What really defines having sex for the first time though?