Hi! I’m F(22) and having lots of relationship issues. So basically to start I’ve been in a happy relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years now and we live together, have cats together. I say happy because well, I love him and I know he loves me but we have had a lot of issues. Just last year during halloween(2020) so not the one that just passed but the one before, we went to a party and he passed out. I think almost every person at the party told me various different stories of him cheating on me with many girls. We broke up after this for about a month, I was still living with him but it was hard to stay away because I love him and I needed someone to console me and comfort me and he could do that perfectly. We ended up sharing many things with each other I feel we wouldn’t have if this incident hadn’t happened which is good… but also not. I’d prefer if I didn’t get cheated on, especially with over ten different girls(can’t say I know the exact number so that’s great!)

The summer following all of this I had a terrible job, I quit and was kind of becoming happy with myself doing yoga drinking tea cleaning my house taking care of the pets everyday for three months. It felt nice to work on myself and get shit together. As for us I wasn’t very interested in him sexually and would avoid sex often as much as I could. I couldn’t relax with him anymore and just wasn’t attracted to him so it hurt and wasn’t enjoyable. I have always enjoyed spending time with him though- going out, doing activities together, cuddling/sleeping, etc it’s all SO nice but I still hated sex with him?? and Ive found I’m not attracted to him sexually anymore and would often think of other people when we had sex(every time actually) and I realized I was doing this before we had any issues too so??? But yeah we started dating polyamorously because tbh I didn’t mind and if that meant he could be sexually satisfied then that was good because I didn’t want to do that for him and not to mention it felt not fair that I couldn’t please him as much as he needed( yes I know despite all that he’s done to me I still cared for him) so we were doing that and I flirted with a few guys online here and there but I never found what I was looking for and never met up with any of them. As for my boyfriend he found several girls and has actually met up with them and still has been to this day. Not to mention he met with a girl one night then came back home, drove me to work, came back and tried sleeping with my best friend who was staying there overnight, she wasn’t interested and basically he assaulted her, so now she can never come back here nor does she want to?? And he has this excuse that he was “drunk” even though he was fine when he got home and drove me to work just fine and sober. And also to add that is one of our rules that I do not want him sleeping with anyone I know or am friends with ESPECIALLY not my best friend? That shit really fucking hurts. It hurts worse than the cheating if I’m being honest. Then I had to console her afterwards while still being hurt by what he did to her so that wasn’t fun either.

So after the three months of not working I’m broke as fuck and realize I need to get a job, I do find one and I’ve actually been loving it, it’s minimum wage but I enjoy my coworkers and the environment and how close it is free carpooling(I have no car or license atm) So now here’s where I meet the other person…. He’s actually a coworker of mine and possibly one of the sweetest people I know, we didn’t talk much at the beginning because we are both very quiet but we’d always be scheduled ALONE together so of course we ended up talking eventually and became very close where I’d invite him over after work to hang out, only every so often though but it was fun. Also let me just say I think I developed a crush on him as soon as I met him, never expected to fall in love but I found him very attractive physically, and then after getting to know him I fell hard for him. Then there was a day we went on a nature trail and sat down by this lake we found for a while and since we were alone finally we ended up admitting our feelings to each other and it just took off from there.

We kept getting closer and closer the more we connected. I’ve found im incredibly sexually attracted to him and sex with him feels so natural and right. I never have to think of anyone else or try to tamper with it somehow to be enjoyable, I just enjoy it. We have gotten so close after such a short amount of time. I have never fallen so hard and so fast for someone before. Not to mention I had dreams of him before I met him plus more spiritual synchronicities. But synchronicities or not I know I love him, those could mean nothing to me, but I find little things like that special because I see our love in everything. Songs have new meanings, movies I see differently, colors, birds…. even the air is different? I’m always thinking of him and he loves me just as much. I can’t tell you how nice it is to feel that much love and security. This guy is so incredibly loyal to me as well and goes lengths just to prove to me how much my sanity means to him, I don’t even have to ask he just naturally is chivalrous towards me. It’s beautiful.

But alas I am torn. I think my boyfriend knows I’m falling for someone else but has no room to say anything considering what he’s done and that we are in an “open relationship” -also a sidenote I forgot to mention that being with this new guy I’ve realized how much I actually hate being in an open relationship and how much I LOVE being loyal to him, like am I just compensating and trying to convince myself the cheating was okay by openly dating or??? Idk! But yeah I think he knows and has been trying to save our relationship because during the summer he was just out meeting women and not really paying attention to me or wanting to even hang out with me and would barely ever sleep in the same bed as me, he’d sleep out on the couch. But lately he’s been a fucking sweetheart and doing everything for me and doing all of my cleaning duties and doing things he’s never done before and now I’m questioning if I’m supposed to stay with him? It’s like he’s back to the old him and I love him again? I’m so confused. I remember just a few months ago going out to dinner with him and looking into his eyes and telling myself I don’t love him anymore because I dont feel anything and haven’t felt anything. But now he’s making me mushy and like I miss him and can’t hurt him because he’s so sweet and doesn’t deserve it. And another thing holding me back from my new partner is that he is married and has a child, which we have had many conversations about. I know for a fact that he does not love his wife anymore and I can’t tell you the millions of times I’ve questioned that or if he’s willing to do that to his child. I do not want to split a child’s parents up. I don’t want to take someone’s father away from them like what happened to me as a child? Why would I? How could I? That would be the most monstrous thing I could do. At least in my head. But I do love his child and would do anything for her and be the best stepmom I could be. I know she is someone else’s child but I could love her as much as I’d love my own. How are we supposed to leave our already set lives for each other and start a new one? The guilt???? The pain???? But why are we not allowed to be together if we really love each other? We’re both so in love with each other we want to get married and have children. We call and text 24/7. Our communication skills are amazing. Our sex lives are mended. We both genuinely care about each other and only want each other. How do I move on? Do I think logically or with my heart? Advice????