This might be long but please bear with me. Me and my bf will officially have been together for 5 years this month. I love him so so much and just cannot see myself with anyone else, he is so kind and so sweet to me, he really understands me and we are basically the same person which I would say is a highly valued quality for me personally, feeling mutual is just comfortable you know and he’s my best friend. Not to mention amazing and compatible sex drive. But everything else is perfect about him you know? I adore him in every way…. For the most part. Last year around this time I had found out at a party from several people he was cheating on me- with a bunch of different girls including many of the ones at the party and later to find out some of the ones that were comforting me and calling him a piece of shit were also involved with him so that’s lovely. So we broke up. But we live together so he was sleeping on the couch for about 2 months while I kept the bedroom. I couldn’t bring myself to break up with him I love him and our relationship just works out, I have a front for my family(I love showing off my perfect relationship to them and being accepted for being happy and normal for once to them) and would not want to break the news to them about breaking up with him because it would just be embarrassing which isn’t an embarrassing thing in fact many of them have flown through relationships but that’s aside the point that’s just how I feel around ~them~. I also love him family and don’t want to lose them or disappoint them. He also takes care of me emotionally and helps financially whenever I’m struggling and I love helping him as well, we work so well as a team and I genuinely enjoy doing things for the man who takes care of me so well. Not to mention my living situation would be fucked if we broke up, I’d have no where to live and honestly just couldn’t afford it by myself and on top of that I do not have a car. But us breaking up lead to us opening up a lot more to each other than we ever had before which also brought us closer than ever and it was so hard to stay mad at him, I just felt so bad for him he told me truly heart breaking things and my love for him was stronger than my hatred. So we both found out we fantasize about other people but I had never actually acted on that because well I love him and the act of loyalty is so much hotter/ romantic than cheating if that makes sense at all. I had actually known about him cheating twice when we first began dating but I let it go because it was the beginning of our relationship but I’ll always wonder if I wouldn’t be thinking of other people so much if I knew I was his only priority or if I’m just fucked and can’t keep my focus on the one person I’m supposed to be in love with. I guess I will never know. Anyways we started an open relationship after this because we both daydream obviously, he has had many girls he talks to online and has met a few in person including an older lady because we both have a thing for older partners(we’re both 22 if I didn’t mention already). As for me I’ve only met a few older guys online, but haven’t gone through with anything until recently, I met an older man in person but I’ll get back to that. Also My only rule is that I don’t want him to fuck my friends or people I know which shouldn’t be a hard thing to do…. So like 3 months ago he was still talking to this older woman from before and they kind of have an emotional thing going on which idk why I don’t mind so much, I guess because he he’s being honest and giving me all the details and I know he wouldn’t leave me. Anyways my best friend is spending the night and he goes out all night to go bar hopping with this woman which was cool I got to have the night alone with her and have a proper sleepover. I have to work super early the next morning at 4 so I’m up doing my makeup and he finally comes home and is being sweet and hugging me so I’m happy for him and that he had a nice night, he then takes me to work because he obviously sober enough to. So fast forward I’m a few hours in at work and I get a call from my best friend and she tells me how he comes into the bedroom and asks if he can sleep in the bed bc the couch is uncomfortable so she says yes. And then he asks to cuddle her and proceeds to spoon her without getting an actual response, then continues to start feeling her up and asks if he can kiss her or have sex which she turns down obviously. So I confront him later asking why he wouLd even go into the bedroom in the first place when we made plans for us to sleep in there and him on the couch, which could have gone the other way he was just gracious enough to let us have the room that night especially since he’d be out all night. Also not to mention it made me upset he even cared to go to bed when he had been leaving me alone in there every night while he slept on the couch every night for a few weeks, then had the audacity to pull a “the couch is uncomfortable”. Then proceeded to tell me he doesn’t remember any of it and that he was drunk still, even though he had been perfectly fine to drive me to work that morning. He also said he probably just thought she was the other girl. But yeah I’m still not over it, I’m still with him but he won’t apologize to my friend which I said specifically would help this situation a lot especially since he literally sexually assaulted her? I can’t forgive him, this is quite literally something I can’t forgive him for. I don’t understand how I can give him this much freedom but he still needs more, you go out and have a nice hot night with a lady then come back and do the one thing I asked you not to do, and not just a friend my BEST friend. I’ve been seeing someone behind his back though and I think I’m falling in love. He’s a much older man and he has a child whom I also love I want to be with them and be in a relationship with him, but there are a lot of complications on both of our sides as to why we can’t be together, but I would totally give it all up for him. But there’s one thing holding me back- I’m still very much in love with my boyfriend. Do I forgive him? Do I stop my side relationship? I think I love this guy more than I do my bf atm, I’ve been giving him my everything and even trying to be loyal despite having a whole ass relationship. He is my escape and the only thing that makes me happy anymore, but alas I still love my boyfriend very much…. Thoughts? Opinions? Advice?