I (45NB) have been dating my gf (44F) for about three months and I’m not sure if I’m just overwhelmed or not trying hard enough. My gf needs, what to me feels like an enormous outlay of emotional work to help her with her frequent panic attacks, spikes in anxiety, and venting about her daughter (also with panic attacks) and her work. She’s an abuse survivor with CPTSD and other mental health issues. She frequently asks if we’re ok (relationship-wise) and if I’m planning on leaving because things are hard.

After the last visit, I’ve be trying to put her off gently as I’m drained and exhausted. Also, her model of relationships and a lot of contact daily and mine is way less than that. She’s having issues with going from so much closeness during the visit to being so far apart (we live about 10h apart) and me not being up to talking much.

There is plenty of good in this relationship, she and her family (we’re poly) accepted me immediately. She’s supported me with some of my emotional issues and has offered to be my emergency contact (I don’t currently have one, but that’s another story).

I’m not great with naming and enforcing boundaries. At one point she asked if it was ok that she was giving so many details about her wife. I said no and she curled up into a ball for while and said she doesn’t know what’s appropriate (for me).

Some of the panic attacks have been cause/triggered by me when I’ve chosen the wrong word(s) or trying to communicate how I feel. It has gotten a bit easier, but it seems that extreme reactions are the norm for her.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom being in a relationship with a survivor? How do I balance my needs with hers? I’m happy to give what I can, but it doesn’t seem like enough for her and she’s upset when I try to pull back.

Also, I start panicking when she does. Anyone know how to stop myself from reacting that way? I know therapy would be awesome, but everyone who takes my insurance is full.