I (45M) have been with my girlfriend (41F) for a couple years now and this topic came up early on in our relationship we had only been dating a couple of months and she told me that she was having lunch with a friend who happens to be a guy. Unsolicited, she made a point to tell me that they had never “hooked up“. I asked her why she would tell me that and she seemed puzzled.

Turns out her last boyfriend before me was very possessive and jealous and didn’t want her having any guy friends, at all. In fact, he made her go through her phone and delete all the names and numbers of male friends. I think everybody can agree that that’s pretty insane, reeking of insecurity and possessiveness. But back to the issue at hand, I told her it wasn’t just that she didn’t “have“ to tell me those details, but I didn’t want her to. I also told her not to ask me because I wouldn’t tell her anyway. At first I got the impression she thought that I maybe had something to hide. Couldn’t be further from the truth…

I explained to her that if these people are truly “friends” of hers, unless she has express permission from them to disclose their history, what does it say about her that she is sharing private, intimate information about a friend behind their back? Furthermore, if things don’t work out with us, I expect her to keep our private life, well… PRIVATE🤷🏼‍♂️. I would like to think she’s the type of friend that her friends can trust.

She had never thought of it that way and quickly admitted that I had a point. After giving it some thought she agreed that that was the best policy. Curiosity has crept in a few times when meeting my female friends and she has asked questions without thinking about it. I just look at her and she realizes pretty quickly what I’m about to say, so I don’t even need to say it.

I maintain that if you trust somebody, they are not going to cheat on you, then what does that information actually add? If anything, you can put images in your head that aren’t healthy or reasonable/rational/logical. For example, I have one friend who I dated for a whole year… 16 years ago! We spent a year after we broke up out of communication and then we became very close friends. We have never so much as kissed since we broke up, nor do either of us have any desire to. Now my girlfriend knows that she and I dated, but that’s different than the friend that you just hooked up with may be a couple of times.

Do you have to know which friends your partner has slept with? What about “made out with“? What about skinny dipped? Where is the line where disclosure is required? Do people agree with my position about not disrespecting your friends by sharing their private business? When we have talked to our “couple friends” about our relationships, we get strange looks on this issue. I get the feeling we are definitely not in the majority…