For some background and reference, my partner is queer/bi and has introduced me to ethical non-monogamy. Although she has only been living the ENM lifestyle for a little over a year, she clearly has experience that I, a life long monogamist, don't.

Last night my partner and I were talking on the phone for about 90 minutes and even though we're trying to establish a rule about not talking heavy subjects after 10pm and only in person if possible, we occasionally slip. Mostly these involve the ENM lifestyle as I have a 1001 questions about it and she's really my only primary source of info.

So last night we were talking about ENM. I had asked her if her family knew she was living this lifestyle. I asked because even though at this point I don't want to have an extra partner outside of us, I'm not opposed to the idea. And if my kids (all over the age of 18) saw me with another woman they'd probably think that my partner and I had broken up. So I was asking for some ideas of how to breech the subject with them. The conversation was going ok until she asked if I had told them that she was queer/bi. I told her no

This isn't because I'm ashamed or trying to hide that part of her. She's only met them 1 or 2 times and I don't make a habit of announcing people's sexual identity when introducing them or talking about them unless I have a reason to. I grew up in semi-conservative household, but had a lot of LGBTQ friends and colleagues throughout my life. I have participated in demonstrations supporting the community and so have my kids. So we're not against it at all. I just haven't had an opportunity to bring it up with them. But I know they're response will border on being underwhelming because we're so used to having queer friends and individuals around our circles.

She proceeded to tell Me that she felt it was "really fucked up" that I hadn't told them. I could hear the hurt in her voice but didn't understand what I had done at that point. After some more talking and apologizing, I think I realized that I had minimized her sexual identity, which is very important for her, and instead focused on the non-monogamy, which is a lifestyle choice not a personality trait.

It's been 24 hours and we haven't had a good heartfelt talk about it yet, just occasional check-ins. We're supposed to after she's done working at 4pm and I'm just nervous that I'll say something stupid again. If anyone has some insight I'd appreciate it.

TL/DR I messed up by minimizing my partners sexual identity and instead wanted to focus on her ethical non-monogamy.