Hi, 27 yo cis male here.

All my close friendships are currently long distance as they are my college and school friends, and we all went to different places based on our location and job interests. When we meet up, it's always alot of fun and cathartic. We usually meet physically once or twice a year for the closest ones. We know each other well and the relationships don't feel superficial.

Over the years I've noticed a trend in all my close friendships - they feel one-sided in the amount of time, effort and priority. Like for example, I'm always the one to reach out first to initiate a topic of conversation and if I don't I know they would notor or very rarely. or for the annual trip, I'm the one who starts the planning.

One part of me says that perhaps this is just me.imposing my personality onto the relationship and hence expecting what I give to the relationship back. and also by being proactive I've set a status quo for the friendship. but is it unreasonable to expect one message in 4 months? if someone is vested in your life, wouldn't they reach out at least once in a while?

I decided a few years ago that I don't need friends who don't make the effort at all in our relationship and started cutting people off based on a test. I would reduce my proactivity and see if the friend steps in to fill the void. I also become more aware of the kind of messages they send- do they share important things without me asking. Do they check in on key happenings in my life. it's hard to describe the test over a post on reddit but basically if I find that the person didn't step in at all over multiple months (4 or more) I cut them off.

Fast forward and now my friends list is coming close to comprising only my closest friends. and these are the friends that are the least proactive. I'm frustrated in this relationship and I want reciprocal friends but its so difficult to make new good friends as an adult. Most people have their set of good friends. it takes so much time time effort to build deep relationships as you get older.So if I cut off my close friends, I won't have any left.

This was more of a rant but any advice or thought would be great.

tl;dr I'm very frustrated that none of my friendships are equally reciprocal. it's hard to make new friends as an adult and even harder to make deep friendships and I think I hold onto my closest friends right now because of our significant shared history in college and I'm afraid of going friendless