I want to start this with I know I’m at fault, but I’m locked in my own thinking. Hence the reason why I’m posting this to help get some clarity.

BLUF

I (39M) missed the fact that my partner (37F) was having an emotional moment around her late father of 5yrs, after watching a daddy daughter video. I took things personally and used it as a opportunity to express that, I find it awkward to talk to her about my memories with my dad and, I don’t think it’s fair for her belittle other peoples memories just because their parents are not dead.

So, I feel totally misunderstood. She’s is Maaaaaad at me! I’m in the dog house. I could have left it. But is there ever a suitable time to express that frustration? Is there not the other side where it is not fair to belittle other people who are trying to be sensitive to you, because they have not gone through your exact story?

So while I start to contemplate what my new Bachelor life will be like, as I feel this is completely irredeemable! I don''t know how to redeem myself from this! I’m keen to know what you all make of this falling out?

CONTEXT ---

Me (39M) her (37F) have been together for over 3yrs. Pretty solid. Her father whom she was extremely close to died over 5yrs ago. She is heart broken. Her elderly mother is still alive, but the loss of her father is clearly devastating. My parents are still alive.

Occasionally for her, references to Fathers being loving in some way, or other people expressing the pain of their loss can understandably trigger her. Experiencing how deeply she is grieving over the course of our relationship has left me feeling completely helpless at times. I have never tried to compare or pretend to understand her situation. I know, I cannot comprehend her pain. So my general pattern when she is experiencing sorrow is to, try and listen, offer some affection, try and offer warm words of encouragement.

Those moment when I do try to offer some warm words, typically reminding her that her fathers good spirit lives on in her, that’s when a variation of the statement “you don’t know what it’s like, you’ve got your dad, mine is dead”, is made to me.

Now that breaks my heart! And usually I’ll absorb it, because she’s right. My dad is alive. I don’t know what loosing a parent is like. But it has now lead to a point where I am nervous and very conscious about bringing up topics surrounding my Father.

THE ARGUMENT ---

So on to the heart of the reason for this post. So my lady and I are apart today, so just messaging each other. She shared with me a video of a father and daughter on a rollercoaster, a real good vibes clip (DMX & his daughter). Our convo follows with her saying:

“I love the daddy daughter moment reminds me of me and my dad so sweet ☺️☺️”

The video reminded me of the first time I went on a rollercoaster with my dad. I was scared sh**tless my dad was crazy whooping, great fun memory for me. However me trying to be sensitive plainly said:

“Yea, it’s a memory that anyone would remember fondly 😃😃”

Me not thinking anything of it was rather surprised to see the response from her as:

“Point here is I'm talking about fond memories with my darling dad!! Not just anyone!! Who hasn’t lost their Dad!!”

In hindsight. I could have left it! in the moment her response provoked my feeling that it is quite unfair to belittle anyone’s joy with their father just because they are not dead. So in my blind logic I responded with:

“Sometimes I get nervous and try to be careful not to mention my dad sometimes because I am conscious how it affects you. So I tried to be generic when really I under it all I was having a memory. Sorry it did not work.

Yes our present circumstances are different. I’d never compare.”

But it kinda hurt to feel like my childhood memory was being belittled. Anyone whose father gave them fond memories is not just “anyone” to them but they are somebody to them individually.”

Well that approach totally backfired on me as she hit back with:

“What are you talking about! I was talking about a personal memory that he and my dad would do. I sent this to a friend today and she said that's such a special memory Nat you and your dad was so close!!! Why couldn't you do the same. Instead of hating every one I mean what the hell how insensitive and cold can you be!!!

I don't know why you are mentioning your dad when I just brought up a simple memory!! Just heartless. All you had to say is I know baby, that's a special memory for you.”

That lead to a heated point scoring phone call, finishing up with me blurting out in anger: “....I guess we’ll only be able to talk when MY dad is suitably dead then!!!”

(Repeated again from top)

So, I feel totally misunderstood. She’s is Maaaaaad at me! I’m in the dog house. Like I said, I could have left it. But is there ever a suitable time to express that frustration? I guess I have something to learn about how to handle death with people. But is there not the other side where it is not fair to belittle other people who are trying to be sensitive, because they have not gone through your exact story?

So while I start to contemplate what my new Bachelor life will be like, as I feel this is completely irredeemable! I don''t know how to redeem myself from this! Apologising feels like I am allowing her to openly diminish the personal value I have for my Father, something I'd never do to her! I’m keen to know what you all make of this altercation?

Thanks for reading