3rd update. I guess my friends don’t have any further advice, and I don’t have couples counseling for a few more days. I don’t have any other friends in polyamorous or open relationships to talk to. I’m still holding on, going to therapy, doing couples counseling. He has now decided on 2 different occasions to not go over her house because it upsets me. I feel a lot less threatened.... but now that those panicked feelings are gone I’m feeling a lot of anger and resentment at the way I’ve been treated these past few months. He said he doesn’t mind if this thing with her fizzles and he expects it to soon, but he likes hanging out with her and wants me to be happy with him doing it. I find I’m just unable to. I feel like I haven’t been able to fully forgive what they put me through yet. I think I will be able to in time, but I honestly don’t know if I can be ok with him having ANY relationship with her moving forward. I feel like he just made it so miserable, refused to set boundaries, and made me feel like I was the one being unreasonable and selfish. All during one of the most physically and emotionally taxing few months of my life (post c-section with first kid, adjusting to being a new mom, trying to battle my anxiety and panic disorder rearing their heads bc of exhaustion, and postpartum depression). He is doing really well with his therapist and really growing, learning how to balance his values and make himself happy while meeting his families needs and expectations. I just find myself unable to be ok with him seeing her. I feel like too many rules were broken, too many boundaries were crossed, and I went through too much pain associated with this woman. I feel like if it was someone new and I was involved from the beginning MAYBE I’d be ok. Even then I am worried I’d be paranoid because of how this time went! Anyone have any advice on moving forward when my bf seems to be trying to make up for his past actions, work on his shortcomings, and is really trying hard to show me I come first? I want to make him happy by giving him what he wants, but I just feel so much anger and resentment still. Toward both him and her. Him for obvious reasons, but Her mainly because she doesn’t seem to care how I feel about this, and hasn’t since the beginning. Part of me just has a hard time giving him what he wants bc it also, presumably, works in her favor. Idk. I think I’m being a bit vindictive and I don’t like it. Any help on moving through these emotions is appreciated.

UPDATE: Is there a compromise?

2nd Update: The first week of overnights resuming was a disaster. He was only pretending that I had any input into whether he would go over there or not. After he and I both agreed the weekend before last that he could stay over... I had some anxiety about it mid week. I wanted some reassurance or an offer to not go.... instead he sarcastically/aggressively asked if I wanted him to cancel (in a tone that implied he didn’t want to and would be very unhappy if he had to). This attitude toward my feelings really rubbed me the wrong way. I didn’t bother him while he was with her as I was trying to be understanding and respectful, but he neglected to call or text to say goodnight. His excuse was he fell asleep and forgot. So I blew up when he got home the next day. We’ve been fighting on and off since. He said he wants to do what he wants and that I should just be happy for him. I told him that him spending the night when I’m not ok with it hurts my feelings. He said that he’s not hurting me and I’m choosing to be hurt over something stupid. My therapist said we have a difference in values. He thinks overnights are ok always, I think overnights weekly are not ok when we have a 4 month old child (or 2 months like he was when this started). I’m exhausted, emotionally drained, and I feel like he just will never understand. He told me when we got together that he wanted to “do what he wanted but come home to me”. I took that as overnights wouldn’t be a regular thing, and if you read the posts below he agreed to that. Until she came along and demanded it. He said she asks about me and wants us to all get along, he said she says she doesn’t want their activities to interfere with our relationship.... so why do I still feel so hurt and ignored and disrespected? He says him breaking things off with her or not doing weekly overnights would be “unfair”. He says my approaches to compromises (only having spendovers every other week or once a month or whatever) are laughable and not a good deal for him. He says I’m “playing the victim” for feeling upset about his actions. For clarity, his and my relationship was open, there weren’t supposed to be emotional relationships, and we weren’t agreed on other “bfs/gfs”. It was always supposed to be outside casual things. That changed for him, and I MIGHT’VE been ok with evolving our expectations together... but instead of coming to me and explaining the predicament and asking if we could be ok with them having more, he told me he was gonna do what he wanted regardless and that I “shouldn’t make this a problem”. sigh I’ve already spend $400 this week on therapy. Coming to the internet for advice, possible solutions, etc. As we have a child together and are happy in EVERYTHING except this one issue, please provide any feedback toward potential solutions that might work for both of us. We are both in individual therapy and are seeing a couples counselor.

Update: We were finally able to get in with our couples counselor, and my boyfriend FINALLY took a short break from this side fling at the suggestion of the counselor (even though I’ve been asking for 2 months for that). This past week we seemed almost back to normal he and I. We also made a lot of progress talking about how hurtful his actions were, and he admitted to going about things wrong and that I should be part of the decision making for outside relationships.

My main issues now are that I have bad energy and emotions toward this woman still. We decided moving forward we would discuss the overnights, and I would support him going as long as we didn’t have any plans or if the little guy was sick or anything. But I’m still unhappy with the expectation from her of weekly overnights. He assures me that he and I will discuss every week and if I’m not ok with it he won’t go. But of course, I don’t want to tell him he can’t do something he wants to do unless we have plans or I for some other reason need him to be home. I just want him to want to be here overnight, and it would be nice if he would do that of his own accord. I also can’t shake this annoyance at her because I feel like she, too, is being selfish but doesn’t see it (he at least has admitted and apologized for all of his selfish actions). I know she has no real obligation toward me, but I would like us all to get along or to mend fences... I don’t like having anyone out there who thinks badly of me and I don’t like thinking badly of other people either. My therapist said her timing for finally “choosing” to have sex with him (right after I gave birth by c-section to our son) after months of knowing him and seeming uninterested in him that way was calculating and exploitive. Then, after not even really liking him, she decided after they had sex a few times that she had feelings and was in love with him. He, too, admits this was odd as before they had sex she told him he was weird and she didn’t really like hanging out with him. Then, that’s when she said she wanted 1 overnight a week from him or she wouldn’t want to see him (she actually asked for 3 but he countered with 1). Imagine asking someone for 3 nights a week when they have a 2 month old infant at home to care for.... anyway, I know I should be more annoyed at my boyfriend and probably nicer to her... but I can’t shake this feeling that this whole time she is just trying to pry him away from me? Any suggestions on how to move forward in my therapy with my boyfriend, and maybe how to make peace with how I feel about this woman?

TL/DR boyfriend broke rules, started a relationship and won’t compromise on boundaries, doesn’t understand why I am upset

Ok long-ish story here but I need some advice/feedback. My monogamous friends don’t really understand and my therapist isn’t helping much.... my bf (M39) and I (F34) began officially dating about 1.5 years ago. We knew each other for about 8 months before that and were friends first. We went into the relationship with both of us deciding for it to be open. We also agreed we’d have kids and get married. We went into this with eyes wide open, or so I thought. At that time his reasoning for having it open was sexual variety. Mine was because I tend to have a higher sex drive than most and like to explore with multiple partners. For the next year we tried swinging, went through some challenges with one-on-one sex with other people finding things we liked and didn’t liked, and respected each other’s feelings when one of us was uncomfortable. During that time period, we got pregnant. We continued to discuss boundaries and guidelines for the relationship during that time even though I was being careful bc of the baby. The swinging seemed to result in the least amount of jealousy, so we discussed sticking to that for awhile after the baby until we moved forward together to new things. We had decided no real emotional attachments, nobody we both knew/was in our social circles, no spendovers, etc. I actually had a guy I’d been seeing for a bit who I stopped seeing bc my bf thought it was too much like a bf-gf relationship. He at one point slept over an exes house and said it didn’t feel right so we decided together no more sleepovers. All of our decisions were made together through exhaustive communication. He moved in about 3 months into the pregnancy. Fast forward to after our son was born, and I notice he’s always talking about his hairdresser who went on dates with his best friend for a bit. She had met both of us and was a part of our anonymous groups that we attended (read:social circle). He befriended this girl and apparently had started hanging out with her and she was now “one of his best friends”. Always talking about how wonderful she was and whatever. I thought it was weird bc he told me multiple times that men and women can’t be just friends. So I asked if that was all there was, and he said yes they were friends. Fast forward again and he invites her over to workout at our home gym. Alarm bells again... she came over dressed like she was a gym insta model with fake nails, dyed hair, lip injections and fake eye lashes. After she left (ignored me mostly the whole time) I said there’s no way you are just friends. He again said they were friends (made sure to omit “just”) and I was overthinking it. Fast forward again to the week before Xmas, and he mentions he bought her a gift. Now, this man hates gift giving and buys no one but me and 1 of our friends gifts.... not even his friends he’s known for 20 years or his family members. And I find out he spent $100 on this woman. Major red flags and danger signs go off so I flat out ask him are you sleeping with her or do you want to. He admits it and tells me “not to make this a problem”. Well I said ok I guess even though that wasn’t within the boundaries as long as there’s no sleepovers or PDA (another one of our boundaries). He says he won’t commit to that and that he wants no more rules at all. He wants free reign. We spend the next 2 weeks arguing and discussing and trying to compromise, until he finally (after a failed meetup attempt for the three of us - I broke into tears before we all got in bed) said ok we won’t talk to each other for a bit. Well that lasted all of 4 days and he says they are now dating, she is his gf, and he wants to see her 1 overnight a week. This is and was devastating to me as he has now broken so many boundaries and is just shoving this relationship forward at warp speed. I told him I was uncomfortable and could they press pause for a month or so for me to catch up, I told him I don’t think it’s cool for them to have an overnight once a week with me Home alone caring for our 2 month old child.... I told him I felt betrayed and hurt and why couldn’t he compromise. And all he says is why can’t I let him be happy and why do I have to control everything. He said I’m free to do it too. Anyway, this chick isn’t poly, and is desperate for a boyfriend. She and I had dinner one night at her request and both left upset. She didn’t understand why I was having a hard time with it, and I didn’t understand why she thought it was ok for her to say she wanted to see where their relationship was headed. She gets upset at him when he says he’s staying with me and that he still wants to marry me. I think this chick is a major threat to our relationship, but he tells me she isn’t and he’s just having fun. I see him appease her by breaking all our boundaries (she wanted a minimum of 1 overnight a week and to be labeled a gf or she wouldn’t keep seeing him). My question is, why are her needs and requests more important than mine? Also, why doesn’t he understand why I’m upset?! He says I need to stop talking about it until I make peace with it. Please provide feedback on how I should approach him with my concerns because no matter how I say it to him he says I’m just being controlling and jealous and worrying over nothing...