So I hate fighting. Both in my own life and with others. I’m a “don’t rock the boat” type. A peacemaker, if you will. And apparently it drove my ex crazy because we almost never fought. I think I got it in my mind that fighting leads to abandonment. I even noticed this thinking when hearing about my friends. A friend would post on social media about fighting with their spouse, and I immediately start thinking if we have a couch to sleep on. But then I’m confused when the next day they’re talking about everything being rosy.

We never compromised on anything. If she wanted something for dinner, that’s what we had. If she didn’t like something I did, we never had it. How we raised our kids centered around her interests, because my interests are “too nerdy and stupid”. I couldn’t share Star Wars with my boys because she’s not a fan. Movie night was always what she wanted to watch, because I was scared of conflict. Those are few examples, but I think you get the idea. Everything about our relationship could be boiled down to me avoiding a fight.

So how would I move forward, and not be a doormat? I’ve heard conflict and fighting is good for relationships, but what if it’s something I avoid just because I think it’d make them happy? And I know it’s my feelings of abandonment, which is odd because I don’t know where it came from. That feeling that if I have one fight the relationship is over. It might come back to the nerd thing. Growing up I had to keep it secret or be ridiculed. So I’ve put up walls and won’t let people in, because in my mind it’s cause a fight. Easier to let things be. So how could I have a healthy relationship when I actively avoid fighting?