Beginning to wonder if maybe I am just bad at relationships. I [25m] have been with my girlfriend [29f] for about a year and a half at this point and the fighting is never-ending. The nights are sleepless. I started smoking and she hates it. It just plays out like one of the sadder Beach Boys songs. Really the whole thing is kind of a dumpster fire and while she can be cold, I think my people pleasing personality (lots of consecutive P words) perpetuates problems paramount to the prolapse of our prospective prospects.

In other words, alliteration bits aside, I have a severe problem with people pleasing. When I am single, I have the individuality, bravado and confidence of any bargain bin rap artist. I get into a relationship and immediately shrivel up like an overweight raisin, my confidence evaporates and my tail becomes stapled between my legs. Next thing you know, I am no longer speaking to friends, or my mother, or anyone else besides my coworkers. I am no longer indulging in music, podcasts, or single-player games. I no longer interact with the world. My world becomes work and my girlfriend...sometimes to the point where I am keeping my mouth shut and going along with any and everything she wants to do. Even if I am not into it. Even if I am FUELING the fire of our relationship with the bodies of my unspoken needs and desires. I just let it run amok, and this is every relationship. I'd rather see them happy at 100% of all times so my logic is "give them whatever they want whenever they want it, no matter the cost."

Well as it turns out the cost is expensive; taxing. I feel like I have been harboring crazy resentment towards her for this, nights I went to bed on weekends when I wasn't tired just because I didn't wanna make her sad and sleep alone. What starts as a heartfelt gesture to make her happy slowly transforms into an incubator for my disdain, as I lay awake, not sleepy, getting angrier and angrier with her for the decisions I am making.

I have no clue how to stop either. I can never put my foot down. I'm not even trying to save this relationship, lol, this thing is so incomprehensibly fucked. I just want to know if anyone out there struggles with being spineless? Do you struggle with constantly giving and giving and never knowing when to ask for a little for yourself? Do you struggle with a guilty conscious for just wanting something as innocuous as to spend some time playing games with your friends? Does it ever build resentment? Does it sap your joy? Sometimes I feel so alone, I feel like nobody sinks as low as me on this scale, and I am desperate for someone to prove me wrong and even better, tell me if they found a way out. I am SO tired of sinking my own relationships because I am too preoccupied giving people what they want or telling them what they want to hear, and neglect any and all semblance of self-worth or self-love in the process.

Even if nobody reads this monolithic essay, it feels good to get it out there. ✌ Peace!

Josh