My (15) childhood was rocky to put it nicely. Still is. A big proponent was my mom. Today she let my brother on his iPad at dinner to “give him a semi normal childhood.”

To say I had a normal childhood is a mockery. Or my other brother. It is hell.

I was upset and zoned out as to not cry at the table. She comes in my room after dinner and long and short I tell her I don’t want her in my life. I refuse to budge on the matter. I told her about 60% of major transgressions she did, leaving the rest out because I don’t think I could handle saying them aloud, especially to her.

Her whole argument was that she is my mother and all that happened a long time ago (of what I brought up, most of it was ages 4-9) and I should reconsider my position, it hurts her, and her mother did the same and she regrets it to this day. She says we have been having a good time these past few weeks (I am learning to drive and have told her several times, do not upset me while I am operating something that could kill us), and that’s true I guess.

I don’t know what’s real. She wants to take baby steps to recover our relationship but she’s said that so many times and it always hurts worse because she basically wants me to compromise my boundaries for her comfort.

Do I owe her forgiveness? Is it even worth it? Am I really going to regret it if I leave at 18 like I’ve fantasized about? Do I need her?