Hello everyone. Let me give you context for this issue. In June of 2018, I came out to my mother as transgender. We had a big vacation coming up, and she was very stressed with that, so she told me to wait on a large discussion of the matter until after the trip. I was fine with that, although a bit let down. We went on our vacation, and it was wonderful. Expecting her to start the conversation when we got back, I waited about two or three weeks.

She never started that conversation, so in mid-July I came back to her and asked to sit down and talk with it. As an aside, I'd like to mention why I was going to her, as this will be important. My dad has a job that requires a lot of travel, much of it international. Growing up, I would usually end up going to my mom for emotional issues, as she was quite often the only parent in the house. This isn't an issue to me, it was just how my life was growing up, and that's fine. So, I went to my mom in mid-July, and my dad joined in early in the conversation. My sister (now 21F) came over early on as well, and we had a big family chat. I felt as if I was being listened to and understood, and I told them the steps I'd like to take. They said they weren't comfortable with me going on hormones yet, which, while disappointing to me, was understandable. I told them my preferred name and pronouns, and I went to bed.

The next day, the only thing that changed was how stiff the air was in the house. Same name as before, same pronouns, but there was a new tension that I knew I had caused. I felt guilty, and frankly I felt upset. I acted poorly for the rest of the summer and I'll be the first to admit it. I felt almost betrayed in a sense. I know that the way I acted back then was wrong, but I expected them to accept me. My sister had come out to them years ago as a lesbian, and I had come out as bisexual, both of which they were perfectly accepting of, so I was taken aback at how this had gone. Nonetheless, I didn't bring it up again for the rest of summer.

When I went to college, I met a lot of great people who accepted me for who I was, and when I came back for thanksgiving I had a newfound confidence. I asked my mother if we could talk one night when most of our extended family was asleep, and I explained everything to her once again. She told me that she was afraid for me, and while she loved me she didn't want me to act on anything just yet, even though I explained to her in every conversation that I had been sure of this for multiple years prior. Nonetheless, I went to bed again, a bit disheartened at this point.

Over winter break, I had a similar conversation with the entire family, and this was where I went from understanding to genuinely confused and upset. My mom accused me of singling her out and practically painted herself as a victim for the fact that I was most comfortable going to her first. She also accused me of "manipulating my therapists" because I had been talking more about my issues with them and my identity than what I was originally there for. Everything going on at the present was more important to me, and I expressed that to her, but she wouldn't listen.

About two months later, she cancelled my upcoming video session with my therapist without my permission. This was incredibly unfortunate timing, since the worst thing that had ever happened to me in my life happened on March 1, 2019. Without a therapist to talk to, and being uncomfortable bringing the issue up to my parents because of the current situation, I tried to deal with the situation myself, which sent me into a terrible depression. My grades suffered, my floor was covered in dirty laundry and I didn't take the trash out for the rest of the year. It got so bad that my roommate moved his things into another dorm. Frankly, I still count my lucky stars that I didn't end it all somewhere in March or April. Lord knows I was close.

Anyways, enough of the pity party. The next time I went back home was in May for summer. I had two more of the same discussion with them, and still nothing changed. My mom victimized herself, everyone told me I was immature and lacked the life experience to make a decision like that on my own. The same thing happened over winter break of 2019, and now I'm back home for quarantine. I've been incredibly unhappy here, and my mental health has been a roller coaster at best. I want them to accept me, but I'm not sure how to make them understand at this point. It's been nearly two years since I first came out and the only change that's happened has been going from my deadname to a gender neutral "compromise" name. I hate it when they call me by this name too, it frankly feels like a kick in the shins. It reminds me every time that I'm not in an environment that I feel comfortable in.

Any advice on what to do would be much appreciated. Some people have told me to schedule an appointment with my doctor to go on hormones, others have told me to stay strong and keep waiting. If you want to pick either of those, or if you have any other ideas for me, please let me know. I'm torn right now and I need help.

A note for those who have read this far, I know some posts from this subreddit get shared around. I'm okay with that, but I do ask that you block out my username. My family isn't on reddit, but they'd likely recognize my username and I'd like to not have them know about this.