Using a throw away account because my girlfriend has my main.

So my girlfriend and I have been dating since I was around 13. We dated through all of high school, and this semester she joined me at my college. I love her more than anything. We’ve been through so much together, including multiple suicide attempts on both ends. We’re both in a much better place, but lately things really haven’t been working.

For some context, she has major anxiety, depression, and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). For those who don’t know, BPD is like bipolar with more frequent changes in mood but equally as extreme. It causes a lot of internal self-esteem issues, and is generally a byproduct of PTSD. She is a very difficult person to date, through no fault of her own. She tends to get very snappy and rude, generally unaffectionate, and has manipulative tendencies. I say all of this however with the caveat that she has a genuine disorder that causes these emotions, it really is not her fault.

However, over time, serious self-esteem issues have built up on my part because of it. I often have to beg for basic affection, and our sex life has gotten staler and much less frequent. We basically just go through the motions with that, which is especially hard on me because I tend to need a lot of physical validation.

Recently, I went to CO with a few of my friends for spring break. I noticed that as I started meeting new people, I had a lot more confidence than I give myself credit for. Im sociable, outgoing, and people generally seem to like me. Being in this relationship had made me lose a lot of confidence in my social skills, as I’m frequently scrutinized by her for often very slight mistakes, and it really does a number on my self image.

I don’t know if I want to break up with her, but I also don’t know how much longer this is sustainable. She’s an amazing, kind, smart, funny person, she just has a lot of baggage that can be really difficult to deal with. I really do love her, and she tries extremely hard to do better for me, which I recognize and truly appreciate. It’s just getting more and more difficult for me to recognize myself. It was only after a very intense shroom trip that I was able to truly recognize myself in the mirror for a while. I want to be in a healthy relationship with her, but I just don’t know if thats possible right now. We’ve changed a lot since we were 13, and I think we’ve slowly become less and less compatible.