Crossposting from r/survivinginfidelity with an update.

Bizarre behavior from husband, I need clarity as I don't want to fall under his spell again (referring gaslighting husband in other thread)

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Here's the original thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/fe5dei/after_16_years_i_found_out_my_husband_cheated_on/

We had the fight on Sunday night while we were away for the weekend. He didn't speak to me all Monday and when I said I was hurt by him choosing his promise to her over me, he said it didn't matter what he did, that it would always be wrong in my eyes and that it was done. Drove back home Monday night.

Tuesday when I got home I approached him to apologize for instigating the threesome (please read my other post for full details, it's very complicated) and for snooping Whatsapp to see if she was one. He cut me off and said it didn't matter that he was done. He had forgiven me the one time before when he threatened to leave and that was the last time and I had know what. He said we were catergorically done and there was no fixing it, but that he would stay in the house with me for the kids and to help out. I broke down and humiliated myself and asked for one last chance. I told him I couldn't leave with him as a roommate and he said if you want I will leave. From the other post, you'll see this is something he often says. I said no please, just stay a month and please reconsider it, I promisse to never ever do this again. We ended the conversation there.

He's sleeping ont he sofa and not talking to me at all beyond I'll see you later when he left for work. I woke up on Wednesday and was like what the hell, this is not ok. He's still blaming everything on me, this is sick. I decided to tell him to leave that evening if he was not going to live with me as my husband and try to fix things. Not only that, but I was beginning to see that the problem was not me at all. He was never going to admit anything. Wednesday evening came around and my mood fell and I decided to put it off for a week to see how he reacted. If after a week he was still givingme the silent treatment I would tell him to leave.

But that night I posted the thread to relationships which got over 100 replies which is the same one I crossposted to this sub. I thought everyone was going to concur with my husband that I was looking for any reason to distrust him and that it was all my fault. When I woke up Thursday all the posts were clear on what was happening. My husband was a horrible person, he was gaslighting me, and I needed to get out of there as soon as possible. That really opened my eyes, and before taking the kids to school I told him:

"I suppose you feel the same as on Tuesday (to which he sat stonedfaced and said nothing) so this arrangement will not work for me. Please take a few days to find a place and once you are ready to move out let me know so we can both sit down with the kids and tell them you are leaving. I don't want to them to come home and you just be gone." His only response was to the kids part which he agreed with. Nothing else, just a blank expression. I said ok, bye and left.

Thursday night was really weird when he first got home, just hey, but then I felt more comfortable and chilled out on the dining room table on my phone drinking a beer while he watched tv. Went to sleep without talking.

Yesterday, Friday, was truly when the bizarre behavior started. I guess it wont be bizarre to other people, but it was my first time seeing things for what they were and I was floored. No contact inthe morning other than good morning which I said to him. He served himself coffee and didn't even offer me any. Left without any words.

He gets home last night and as I amde coffee for myself he prepared his dinner. This was right when he got home so I went to sit outside the patio while I waiting for the coffee because I really did not want to be around him. By the time I went back to get my coffee he was in the garage and could see me pass by. I could hear him whistling happily.

Normally that would have upset me, that our marriage was falling apart and he was whistling. But I saw it for what it was. I figured he was upset that I had called his bluff and asked him to leave and that I was seemingly ok with it. I was not longer begging him to stay. His whistling seemed to be a manipulative ploy to get me feeling bad again and back under his control. I got my coffee, went outside and chilled out for a good while. For the rest of the evening while he was working he would always walk into the house whistling loudly (our house is quite small so I could hear from the bedroom, and he knew that).

And here's the kicker. He walks into our bedroom where I was on the phone just relaxing on bed (he was getting my car keys to move the car) and he whistles loudly as he enters and makes a point of looking me dead in the eyes as he does it, looking quite relaxed. I had to laugh to myself when he left because it was so ridiculous. I went out to get bread and tell my mom about it and after I got back he said he was going out and left for around an hour.

This morning he woke up early to go to the farmer's market where he sells his wares. The dogs were making a racket so I got up after a while and served myself coffee and sat on the sofa to watch the news. We said good morning when he got out of the bathroom and I continued watching the news and drinking my coffee. He went out to the car and comes back in and hands me a gift bag and says "Happy Anniversary". Today is our 16 year anniversary. I say thank you but remain with a blank expression and take the bag and proceed to look through the contents while he stands nearby. a necklace, two rings, and a pair of earrings. All from our artist friend who makes jewelry for the markets and he know I love her stuff. I ask him when he got the stuff, because I''m thinking if it was last night, it's just completely crazy. He doesn't say anything and I say she does really nice work and that's it. He goes to the bathroom and when he comes out I say thank you it was all really pretty. But at not point did I get up to hug him or change my expression. He's gone.

Now I'm seeing it as more manipulation. I just talked to my pastor and he says that my husband is trying to reach out in a way that he can, because he is not able to put it into words. That this is his way of saying I don't want you to leave I want to work it out. His advice was that I say the following:

What is going on? You are giving my mixed messages. You said on Tuesday that you were categorically done, and when I asked you to find a place if you still felt the same way, you did not say anything. The first word other than good morning that I get from you is Happy Anniversary along with a gift. I don't know how to take that? Does that mean that you want to work things out?

And if he says yes I should say: Ok, so do I. I love you, but I don't trust you and right now I don't like you. I don't like what's been happening. And I am no longer going to shoulder the blame for things that you have done. I need to know that in the future, I can come to you with any concerns I have and that I can be open with you without you blaming me. I want this to work more than anything, but I need to be able to trust you completely going forward, and I need you to show me that I can trust you from this moment on. And the first thing that you can do is by showing me that that bank account is closed. We can go on Monday after we drop off the kids and get a letter from the bank saying it is closed. We have never had separate anything and we need to be completely transparent with each other about our finances.

I guess how he reacts will be telling.