Hey guys... Never thought I (w/21) would seek help like this but here we go. Trigger warning (just in case) And I'm German so my English could be horrible.

I've been through a lot in my life, especially in my relationships. Psychological and physical abuse, rape, gaslighting... You get the idea.

So I never thought I would meet that special someone. The one person that loves and respects me. But I did. Last fall, we met at a gaming convention and it was too perfect. I wasn't even looking for a relationship since my last ended just like a few months before. It was long term (3 1/2 years) and very toxic. And then, this handsome, intelligent man with beautiful eyes spoke to me. I was dead. He is an amazing and charming person and I never was that deeply in love before. The day after we got together I bothered all my friends with how much in love I am, couldn't stop to sing stuff like helpless (Hamilton) and never felt so cheesy in my entire life since I was 13 or something.

However. The relationship went awesome. We respected each other, looked after our needs, had the same hobbies, played video games together, he even could handle my PTSD from all the trauma I witnessed and I helped him to stay strong in the abusive household he lived in (I hope. I did my best. His mum is an awful and manipulating narcissist) Even the sex was amazing, since we listened to each other, talked and learned. Everything was beautiful and I never thought love or a relationship could feel like this.

It all started to change when the situation with his mum got worse. I wasn't allowed to visit him anymore and my mum does not like a lot of visitors coming by. So we met up in public. I started to guide him through his problems of finding a job, getting his own flat and stand onto his own feet. After a while, it didn't feel like a relationship anymore. I felt like a good friend and secretary. He wasn't strong enough to give anything back so I just kept on helping him. He needed me, after all. We had our first fights because I had a lot to go through myself and no strength left. I and some friends finally managed to find a shared apartment for him and wanted to get him out of his situation the same evening. Little did we know, that he wanted to settle this whole thing peacefully. We waited in front of the door, getting more and angrier while his mother locked the door and screamed at him. I was ready to kick the door open, ready to kill her if she would hurt him somehow. I eventually called her names. I'm not proud of any of that. He got the most valuable stuff out of his old room and we left. We had a huge fight after this because I made everything worse. He eventually calmed down, when he noticed, that this whole thing was a communication mistake. I was devasted, felt dead inside. There was not much left, just pain and I was scared of myself. We did not see each other until a few days later when I wanted to throw a letter in his mailbox. Just a cheesy, dumb letter in Wich I explained how much I loved him, missed him, that I understand his situation and so on. I eventually calmed down a bit emotionally and felt ready to share all of this. But then I bumped into him at the front door, where he was moving some stuff into his new room. He insisted that I should stay and I helped him. He kinda seemed like everything was alright and we can work this out. Together. Nope. That's not how it went. The whole cycle started from the beginning. He told his mum that he isn't seeing me currently so he gets support and can get the stuff that's still left there (ouch, but understandable) and just panicked about him not having a job and living off some savings. I started to manage and guide him again and felt worse every day. I felt used even though it wasn't his attention to "use" me. Every touch felt so much more intense, I was thirsting for love and affection he could hardly give to me. I was horny all the time because my brain is fucked up and wants to compensate affection this way and he did not desire me at all. And when he wasn't careful and just kinda did his thing if I didn't stop him.

He distanced himself from me (again). Today, I got a message saying, that he did all of this to please me and that this isn't right for him or me. He wants some distance.

I have no problem with giving him the room he needs. But there is one point that shocks me - The whole thing was never meant to be done for me or my sake. We all wanted him to have a chance and life and get out of his misery. I feel like somebody ripped my heart out. I feel tired mentally and deep sadness. I had no idea he felt that way. I had no idea that it was part of his intentions. I don't know what to do. I don't know, how to survive the next few days. I am struggling with many things myself and try to get help but that's not that easy. I feel so lonely and heartbroken. Am I the asshole? Am I the one that does everything wrong? Is he better of without me? I'm so scared of losing him but I feel like it would be better for him?

TLDR: I think I just ruined the most beautiful relationship I ever had by helping him out with his problems so much, he thinks that he is doing it for me.