The goal of this post is to get as many opinions and as much advice as possible, because I am so seriously lost. So thanks in advance for sharing your thoughts with me. Tl;dr at the bottom.

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So my boyfriend of more than four years started to see this woman once a week for work-related reasons back in November. They always went for a coffee, talked for an hour and then left it at that. All contact was completely platonic, they only shook hands, and my boyfriend was transparent about me. In this whole story, he was completely honest and respectful, to both of us women alike.

About two months ago, I realized that he was not doing so well anymore, he seemed depressed. However, he did not retreat in any significant way, we still talked a lot, had sex, etc. Multiple times I would ask him what was wrong, and that we can talk about everything, including trouble in the relationship. He always said that he did not know why he was sad, and usually used the excuse of his new job starting in April, saying that it made him nervous, not only because of the new job itself but also because he would be forced to move abroad for 5 months for training reasons. But we’ve had long distance-situations before (we currently live together) and it was never an issue. Yet, I accepted the excuse.

Until one night some weeks ago, when I confronted him again. And then, he confessed that the reason he is depressed is because he has developed feelings for this colleague of his. Of course, I was shocked and sad, because I had always been so sure and confident of our love for each other.

So we talked it out, over many days, with some breaks of no contact in between. The result of these discussions was that he could not let go, and so we decided together that he needs to pursue this relationship with this other woman, or unless he cannot find peace. Of course, we broke up because of this, despite the pain that this caused us and despite the desire on both sides to just continue the relationship, because we also both established that we still love each other.

So what I know now is that he confessed his feelings to her, after which she told him that she does not feel the same way. Apparently she was completely taken aback, not expecting this at all. For her, the relationship had always been professional. So my now ex-boyfriend got rejected and I even feel sorry for him, because this is always an awful feeling. Also, this is the right moment to mention that I am not mad at him. I know that stuff like this can happen, and I don’t blame him for developing these feelings. It could have been me as well. The only thing I could be angry about is that he did not stop seeing her when he started to notice his feelings, but I guess the temptation was just too strong for him.

Now, I have asked for several weeks of absolute no contact to give us both enough space to figure out our feelings for each other. As he lives abroad now, we will talk via Facetime once this no contact-phase has ended.

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Some more facts:

- We were both very happy. I asked several times during this crisis if something was missing for him in our relationship, offering to work on it if it was. He said no, reassuring me that these past 4 years have been the best of his life.

- I am his first girlfriend, so I suppose that a general interest/curiosity in other women played a part. But he also knew that I would have been open for sexual adventures and promiscuity, should the need really arise. I am very self-confident and sexually curious, so sharing my SO in a sexual way would have been a possibility, as long as we stay emotionally exclusive for each other.

- Everyone in our lives approved of this relationship, we were often considered as a sort of “perfect couple” that will last forever. Maybe this caused some sort of pressure for him.

- Since we broke up, I am doing ok, trying to enjoy my life as best as I can. I am not dating yet or anything, yet my curiosity in other men is coming back. I wonder if this is a bad or a good sign, either showing that my feelings for him were more hollow than I thought or being part of a healthy coping mechanism.

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So, my question is now this: After such a situation, can there be a possible restart of the relationship? I am aware that this can only happen if we are both still in love with each other, and really want this.

So the related question then would be: How do you know if your feelings for someone are strong enough for such a task? Because honestly I am doing quite well considering what happened, and now I am concerned that this is because my feelings for him are already fading considerably, which would make a restart of the relationship a waste of time I guess.

And the last question is this: I feel like I would only seriously consider a second chance if he really wants this and starts acting on it, showing me that he really regrets, cares and loves. But considering what has happened, is that unfair/illusionary of me? After all, he is in emotional turmoil as well.

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tl;dr: Boyfriend had an emotional affair and told me about it. Now we broke up, both unsure about our feelings. Can a relationship recover from this, or is there no hope?

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Thank you so much for your advice. If you need further info, I can provide it in the comments.