Hi everyone,

I hope this is the right place to post. I know this isn't a problem per se with our relationship, more with myself, ie. its more of an internal feeling I have with myself. But if its OK, I'd really appreciate advice on this feeling- if its normal, what does it mean, should I just chalk it up to having a bad day?

Background: we have been in a relationship for 1 year and 2ish months. We knew each other as friends (not best friends, but maybe medium level friendship) prior to beginning our relationship-- while I was in a previous relationship. My previous relationship was my very first "real" relationship and lasted 3 months shy of 5 years. I thought I was going to end up with that person and I was devastated when we began to drift apart- he wanted to see other people, I wanted to get married. I took one month of being single before I then started a relationship with my current boyfriend. Yes I realize it is short but as a disclaimer, my previous relationship had been dying for months and I had already knew and begun to trust my friend dearly (who is now my bf).

Currently: we have been long distance since the relationship's inception 1 year ago due to me attending graduate school in a different state. we have been able to spend two months of summer break together, 1 month of winter break together, thanksgiving, and random holidays. so we've had plenty of solid in person time to grow and develop our attachment to each other. He is truly the man of my dreams. Its like he came assembled, I couldn't and can't believe my luck every day. He is everything I've ever wanted or dreamt for in a man. Solid communication, understanding, gives me space, lavishes me with gifts and care packages, is on the phone immediately if I need to text or call, will voluntarily step out of a social event to call and check up on me (will even do this in front of his guy friends!!), talks about marriage, is saving aside to buy a house for us, etc etc I could go on. For reference my previous ex was physically and emotionally abusive. Yeah. night and day...

Sometimes, though I catch myself feeling... ennui about it all? I don't know if that is a good word for it, but its the best I can come up with. I feel as if i'm just watching myself swirl around in a circle. I was a really great gf last time around, and this time around I am too. But this time around, it sometimes feels repetitive. as if I'm just going through the motions, putting in the ingredients for the recipe of a yummy cake, except I've eaten it too much I don't get all that excited by it anymore. we talk every day, I send him care packages and love notes, we play together over facetime, we write poems together. All very thrilling stuff, (not sarcastic). Of note, his prior relationship only lasted short of a year so this is still all very new and exciting to him. But I've been through the ringer, the highs and lows, the joys and setbacks of a 5 year long rodeo and... well I guess I just have fatigue or something. Because somehow I feel like a part of me inside has died and I guess in some ways it did in my first relationship, I felt very betrayed after putting in so much effort, suffering through abuse, only to watch it fall apart. I don't feel as open in my current relationship. Its been a year and I don't feel as open as I used to be and I don't know when that day will ever come, if it does at all. And sometimes I just don't feel all that excited because I'm kinda like- been there, done that.

Importantly, I don't want to see other people. It would just be the same shit anyways. I also think that part of this has to do with the long distance. After all how exciting can a phone call get. ... it really gets old after the 367th day in a row. I also wonder if part of it has to do with me not taking a long enough break from one relationship to the next- my bf is very insecure about this and has questioned me before during moments of conflict or fighting. To my knowledge, I would make the same decision again. I felt that I was ready and I did trust him as a friend and liked him a lot. But I feel like there's some sort of disconnect between my decisions and these moments of ennui that I get. They are not often, but come about a few times per year. I also think it could be that I haven't slept well b/c of school for a week straight and am so fatigued. But then there's a part of me that wonders if this signifies anything about our relationship ie. cold feet like I shouldn't be in a relationship at all? Its not my BF that I feel ennui about though, its the housekeeping items of the relationship-- i know I LOVE my BF. but being a "good GF" sometimes feels like a responsibility or duty or obligation rather than a joy or privilege. Does that make sense

Tl;dr. Me- history of 5 year relationship. Broke up, one month later started dating current BF, have been doing LDR x 1 year. . He is everything I want in a man, but I occasionally feel numb or ennui towards relationship- am thinking it has to do with LDR, possibly with myself feeling like I have a bad day, possibly with me being tired of being a "model GF" (whatever that means) and feels too much responsibility or obligation taking away the fun of love, or maybe something else (worse?)

So let me know. I want to marry this man. But I want to be a good wife. I don't want to be a guilty wife. If that makes sense? thank you for reading.