I figured it out few days ago, I ended everything (I think...) last night so bare with me. I'm not a very good story teller, I tend to bounce around in the story alot but I'll try to proofread this. Also names are changed because sharing her information isn’t fair despite everything.

I just had gotten out of a 3 year relationship, 2.5 years ago. Moved to a new city with my best friend I've known online for 8 years. Came down here with no money or a job lined up and he helped me so much. I started working nights stocking for a grocery store, which is where I met my now ex fiance Sarah. We started as co-workers making conversation and discovered we have almost everything in common, from TV shows we watch, like always sunny to just our personalities and goals in life (or so I thought). But there was a lot of red flags I ignored, we started to date and hook-up, but after a few times I found out she was in the process of leaving her, then fiance at the time. So she was already cheating on him. She claimed she only stayed for so long was because of his kids from a previous relationship (not hers), and she loved those kids. Maybe a month goes by and she finally leaves and commits to me, I felt so strongly about her I chose to ignore what I saw.

From that point on my life felt like it was the best it's ever been. We didn’t hide anything from each other, we talked about our past, our previous relationships and goals we want in life, we started laying the foundations of our future. We were so madly in love with each other, we discussed marriage 4 months into the relationship. A month later I proposed and she said yes. We finally got our own place in February of 2018. Everything has been incredible to this point. We’ve had small arguments but we've always talked things out and came to compromises and agreements. Things I saw as something that is vital to any marriage to survive. We took trips to visit my family on the other side of the state and stay in a major city, we did everything together. After that trip to visit my family, after our vacation in Seattle. We talked about kids. We wanted them. We decided on names, she said she stopped taking her birth control and we were trying. February we both quit our grocery store jobs and found new work, both of us making more money, better schedules, we always both had the weekends off. At the end of March we decided to get our wedding rings even though we didn’t plan to get married until next year when we were more financially stable. We just wanted it to be even more real feeling. Thought we found each others soulmates. There were never any fights, any lasting arguments or doubts in either of our minds, I made an effort to communicate everything and so did she, or so I thought. Easter we decided to just spend inside drinking, her sister comes over and all of us are partying. We both had Monday off so we weren't worried about anything. This is where everything started to turn for me, where I then started to hate myself and become so full of guilt for a mistake I made on Easter. Without taking away from the main part of the story, I’ll sum it up. I took nudes photos of her sister while we were all drunk in the living room. She watched me do it and her sister was trying to model. None of us were thinking what the hell we were doing. The next day happens and of course we fight, I barely remembered it happening but I couldn’t take it back. Sarah ended up leaving that day and I was crushed. I couldn’t figure out why it was so easy for her to walk away, couldn’t see what I know now. We spent the next few weeks of me begging her to work things out, trying to fix anything and telling her how sorry and remorseful I was. In the end she ended it blaming me for everything, it was all my fault and I’m the worst person in the world. She told her mom what happened and her mother than hated me from whatever she told her, mostly lies I imagine.

We spent the summer apart. I thought about her everyday, even tried to contact her a few times. I ended up buying a motorcycle and put 4.5k miles on it in two months, because it was my distraction to keep my mind off her and going crazy. I got into a massive depression and nearly suicidal because I felt I lost everything. August came along, a friend reached out to her on my behalf and tried to explain to her that I love her even still more than anything. I was unaware of the conversation at the time and didn’t know he was doing that for me. After he told me she was open to the idea of just sitting down somewhere and talking for a few minutes I reached out to her after she got off work and she gave me a date and time. Costa Vida, 5pm. I felt like the luckiest man in the world to be getting a second chance. We sat down and it was tense. I could see that at first she hated me. Over something that we all drunkenly did. I still didn’t understand it but I choose to ignore it because I wanted what I felt was my other half, apart of me back. We ended up sitting down at this burrito place and talking for 3 hours until they nearly closed. We didn’t even order, look at anyone in the restaurant we just talked and had a good time. I asked if we could continue seeing each other and she was hesitant. But agreed to take things very slowly this time around. We started dating more seriously over the next month and slowly went out the window. I tried to get her to move in but she always refused. I asked if she wanted to get married still and she said yes. Things I wanted too.

But ever since we got back together we have had one continuing argument. Her spending time with me vs her family. She claimed her family hates me so we couldn’t all be together, so anytime we argued she would drag what happened into light and make me feel guilty. I thought we needed to figure out how to make our lives work with that issue, we started counselling. AT first it was helpful, communication improved and things starting progressing better. I got offered a good job in Utah with a friend, after some discussion she agreed to move with me, start a new life there. She told me she hates living here and wants something new. We start planning everything out, saving money looking at where to live. Again planning our lives together. This is also where I started noticing a change in her, whenever we made plans most of the time they got canceled due to a family issue or just some other reason that didn’t fit right. I let it go on for a month before I couldn’t take it anymore, I had barely seen her in that months time. We were supposed to be engaged and I have had maybe 1-2 days of the week with her for a few hours at a time on work nights. I told her I don’t know what’s she's really doing, but if she really wants a life with me she has to be an adult, follow through with plans. She promised and apologized for what she's been doing and was going to not it happen again.

Few more weeks of the same stuff and we fight again. This time I tell her what I thought was just me being insecure, wasn’t a serious thought in my mind. In our fighting I said “I don’t even know if you’re cheating on me, if I asked to go through your phone, would you let me?”. It honestly wasn’t serious and I never had any intentions of doing that. But she was silent. Didn’t even look at me, that’s when it hit me. That maybe she was cheating, I asked her again and she started to tear up. I told her to tell me the truth. Now. She told me she has been cheating, during the summer she got back together with an high school ex that she used to casually hook up with whenever she was single. She hooked up with him during the summer and ended it when we got back together, but over the past month he reached out to her and she met him. I asked how many times, she said. I was floored. 4 times and she wasn’t guilty enough after the first? With everything we planned together…. This was a work night, I for some reason didn’t kick her out, she made promises to be transparent, to let me go through her phone. Hell even install gps on her phone (her idea) and do anything she can to make it up to me and fix it.

Now I realize I need to add some more backstory from her summer. She went to Vegas when we were apart with a group of friends, Shannon, Kelia, Steven and Shane. Steven and Shane are a gay couple. The guy who she casually hooked up with when we were split was named Ellis. Keep that in mind.

So the next day after work, still furious I demand to go through her phone. I look at her contacts, nothing can’t find Ellis. Search messages and facebook messenger, nothing. Look through her camera roll for photos ect nothing. Her phone is clean, too clean. I look at her and said if you were to contact him to meet how would you do it? She said she wouldn’t. She would wait for him to message her and go to him. I was extremely doubtful. This is when I realized we mostly talked through Snapchat. This is where she made the mistake. I opened snapchat and only saw her normal friends, didn’t even bother looking through those messages, but when I opened her memories to see her photos she instantly tried to grab the phone out of my hands. I knew I caught her again. First thing I saw before scrolling down was nudes, that I never received. I looked at her dead in the face and asked if she sent these to him, she started to come clean, or so I thought. Turns out it just keeps getting worse. Before I scroll down I give her another chance, idk why I keep doing it. Because everything I felt for her was real I suppose. Because I loved her more than life itself. She said ever since we got back together she's been cheating on him with me, or vice versa however you look at it. I asked if she felt any feelings for him, and she said no. It was just sex. Ect ect all the stuff you same for damage control.

I asked if he knew, she said he didn’t she had been living two lives. She begged for her phone back and I said I’m not done. I started scrolling down. I saw that even now, she was still lying to me. I saw his face, I knew him. I’ve never met him, but I’ve seen him in her facebook photos from the summer! It was the gay friend Steven. Turns out, was very much not gay. I started to scroll down some more, saw photos of them on dates, the days she blew me off or had to cancel plans to be with her family. Them at bars, together at new years, captions on the photos of him, saying “he means everything to me, love of my life” ect. Everything she has always said to be even until the day before I found it. I scroll down more, see photos of them having sex. Right on top of our own sex photos. Right next to each other, I keep going. I start paying attention the the dates of the photos, I get to the Vegas trip in the timeline, but I didn’t expect this.

Looking at the dates of the photos continued, this has been on going, more sex pics, more dates, even before we broke up the first time. All next to the stuff that we had together. There were her nudes that she went me with her wedding ring on, and next to it a nude she sent him in the exact position with her ring off. More photos of them having sex, right next to ours. The first photo she had saved in her snapchat ended in May of 2017. I know for a fact that she used to have more. I was filled with rage. I asked her how long really. She said May. I asked if the other guy really knew and she said no. I don’t know what overcame me. But I said she had to choose. I don’t know why I was still giving her chances, but she said me. That she is going to end it with him and be with me. We end up having angry sex and afterwards I tell him to text him and end it. She’s in bed with im texting him that she's been cheating on him ect ect. We go to work. We argue and she's telling me more “truth” over the next two days until Thursday. I can’t take it anymore, she’s stalling ending it with him, over her telling me she wants to tell him the truth in person because it’s going to crush him.

I found out where he works, and I now know who he really is. I got off work significantly before she does and all day I’ve been vague. She’s starting to pick up on it. After I get off work I tell her she has to make a choice right now, me or him. (again no idea why I’m giving her chances. Probably because I love her still) But I start driving to his work regardless in the hopes of having a minute to tell him the truth. She called me as I’m driving begging me to not tell him, that it should come from her. I saw through her lies now, she wanted to control the narrative. Be in control of what truth and lies he will know. Even after getting caught she was still lying to him. I told her I’m about to walk into his work, what’s the choice and she said him. I said “Well I'll let him know when I see him”, and even after that in her full panic mode was still begging me not to tell him. She lost that right.

At this point all he knows is she had been cheating on him and he did blow up her phone trying to figure it out. I met with him and he had 0 idea who I was, I saw it right away. I told him that she has been dating me for the past two years and before a few days ago I didn’t know he existed. I told him about our engagement, us planning to move in a few months, our plans for kids ect. Everything. Showed him SFW pictures of us together, even until recently. He thanks me and I apologized that this is happening to him, that I’m in the same boat. I leave and go home. I pack up all her stuff and tell her to come over after work, ask her if she feels guilty enough to give me the money she had saved for our move. She agreed to do that. During her packing everything into her car I asked again how long. She said she started to just chat, sext and hookup every once in a while, a MONTH after we first started dating. She left and I was crushed, she acted crushed as well. Didn’t fight me, didn’t do anything but feel sorry for herself saying that I don't deserve her. At the end I actually felt a little guilt about the mean things I said. So guilty that I met her after work the next day just to talk some more because I’m still trying to cope and understand how my entire life with her for the past 2 years have been a lie. We talked for over an hour in my car, she said she’s going to end it with both of us, she’s going to counseling. She’s going to fix herself because she has so many problems. I asked what she’s doing that night and she said she’s going home (her mom’s house) to sleep because she hasn’t been getting much. We agreed to take time apart and meet just before I leave for Utah now without her, to see if after some time to herself so she could focus on fixing her problems, and myself to see if after a month and a half that if I’ll still love her enough to have a future with her. We agreed to meet where we met at the same time as when we first got back together. I didn’t believe her, and apart of me wanted to, just to see after some time if there was saving anything I felt for her. We both go to our homes and I go to bed right away.

I woke up early, on purpose. Around 3:30am. I got dressed, go into my car and drove 30 minutes across town to where her mom lives to see, even after ALL of this, if she would ever tell me the truth. To my mild surprise, she wasn’t there. She was at his place. She stayed the night at his place. Even that last night together, she still was lying to me.

I’m not sure what advice I’m asking for, but talking about it helps. I feel like the last two years of my life have been a massive lie. I feel like I’ve lost apart of myself. A massive part of me wants to be with the idea that I thought was her, but I know I could NEVER trust her again. I have a future in Utah, I have amazing friends that are going to be there for me. I have an amazing job ready for me. I just want our future we planned together still. Should I even consider it for a second of trying to work things out? Is there a possibility of it ever returning to normal? Thanks for reading, the few of you that did.

Tl:dr, What I thought was the love of my life, my fiance of 2 years, has been living two lives. Cheating on both guys, and neither of us knew. Everything she’s done has been a lie. And I’ll never know what was real and not.