My (35M) girlfriend (37f) of two years has a small lipoma on each shoulder - a small fatty mass under the skin, harmless. They are small maybe 2cm across and don’t bother her at all. She’s very petite and slim and it naturally follows the shape of her shoulder. But she is being forced by her parents to have surgery to have them removed.

She is a wonderful, kind person, she is beautiful, she suffers from anxiety. I love her. But our relationship is strained and it is now a very miserable one.

She was born in the UK has Persian parents who moved here from Iran in their twenties, who are not practicing Muslims but use religion as a weapon to criticise her. They are very controlling and force her to do as they say. Her father had an affair and their marriage is now one where he is constantly shouted at by her mother, and is quiet and passive, clearly underlying issues have not been resolved.

I’m white British not religious, just an honest, principled man. I have a good career and am stable and content in life. In previous relationships any conflict has been sorted out in a considerate way.

Her parents like me very much. However, over the last 6 months I’ve discovered she has had a life time of bullying and emotional abuse from them both. This makes her anxiety very bad and leaves her with little time or energy for me/us/our future.

The anger she feels when bullied by her parents comes out with other people. She can snap at strangers. Sometime she can be very sarcastic. And she refuses any help or even therapy for her anxiety. She has a beautiful heart but life has turned her very bitter.

What has happened lately is the final straw.

Her parents have forced her to see her doctor and refer herself for surgery. She has to lie to her doctor and say they were causing her pain so that they would remove them. Where we live it’s protocol that it’s done under general anaesthetic. She is terrified of being put to sleep and is having this done only to stop her parents bullying her. She just accepts she must do as they say.

My grandmother died under general anaesthetic while having similar surgery. However, I’m in medical research and know that general anaesthetic is very safe (1 in 100,000 fatality) but she is terrified she will have to recover from it and her anxiety will make her recovery slower. She will hate the wounds, they will take months to heal. Also due to her migraines she is on her final warning at work for taking sickness leave. Her manager has told her if she has to stay off over one week it will trigger an investigation. If she is off for over two weeks (say there was a complication) she will lose her job.

All of this is causing me massive worry.

She knows she can talk to me about anything and knows that I am always sympathetic and supportive. I’m also not one to stand by and watch her be bullied this way. However, she is very defensive over her parents. She will complain about how they bully her but very defensive and aggressive if you sound the slightest bit critical.

I’ve talked with her about things. I communicate a lot but she isn’t comfortable talking things through. I am going to help her stand up to her parents because I know the procedure will cause her misery.

Unfortunately, I can’t take any more worry. The distress, surgery, recovery is all totally unnecessary.

The conflict caused by her parents and the effect on her and our relationship has affected my own health. I’ve been off work with stress. I’ve given my all but I’m not her therapist I’m her partner.

If she doesn’t stand up to her parents I have to end this relationship at the appropriate time. Sadly Christmas is coming up, I can’t bring myself to buy presents.

She openly says her parents have ruined her life, and seems so fine with it. Well, they’re not going to ruin mine.