This text is very long and I apologize. I'm trying to get some sort of advice on this.

I will attempt to be as fair and balanced in this text. I was involved with a girl 10 years ago; both of us had troubled childhoods. In my case, my mother committed suicide when I was 5 and I experienced child abuse. In my ex's case, she had experienced her parent's divorcing and also child abuse.

When we met, we became very close. It was an intense relationship. Unfortunately, I went through a period of depression in the last sixth months of the relationship and was not kind to her. Infact, I think I was abusive: I withheld kindness from her and often gave her the silent treatment. In retrospect, I know why I exhibited this behavior: my step mother treated us in this same way and I probably picked it up from me. Anyway, my ex dumped me after two years but wanted to be friends. The breakup was messy; I begged her and did all sorts of stupid things in desperation.

I tried to be friends but I couldn't; no matter what I did I could not see her as a friend. Initially, she wouldn't even give me a week to myself. I remember I tried to get into photography and had a flicker page but she left me a comment "Contact Me" on one of my best photos. If it matters, I was just 19 and had no self awareness whatsoever. I explained to her I can't be friends and I need to leave completely. She heard me but only partially as she sought me out a year later - even though I had changed all of my online presence but she googled me. In these situation, my mind always some hope she wanted me back. This sort of exchange happened 3-4 times; me always running and her always finding me online but she always only wanted to be friends.

Around this time she started labeling me that I was a "all or nothing" kind of person. She basically meant that I either wanted a relationship or nothing at all - and this is true but only because I could not be friends; it crushed me to see her with someone else and I always felt that as soon as I started being friends she would become more distant because she would have give time to her current boyfriend and me being around would complicate things. Infact, she would be extremely mean to me but her justification would be "I'm mean to you because otherwise you get attached" - and I believed what she said; even though I wanted to just leave for good. When her ex-boyfriend dumped her, she came to me and I did all I could to help her. I remember I used to feel genuine fear every-time my phone said there was a message from my ex because her words could and often did wreck me. At one point she even apologized to me about her behavior but I didn't hold it against her and forgave her.

This continued for a while (all the while she met other people and lived a full life, graduated with a masters degree etc.), sometimes she would be very warm (asking if I saw myself in a relationship with her in the future. I said no.) and sometimes extremely cold ("why are you here? you're not my shrink"). I eventually found a way to keep her at bay, I got very busy with my job and she slowly faded in my mind. Whenever she would message me, I wouldn't really react and many times I would just ignore. My reasoning for this is basically as soon as I started defending myself I would get verbally abused (see below). Occasionally, we talked over text but it always ended badly - but throughout this she never stopped messaging me. At one point she exploded on me, called me a lot of names and without letting me defend myself would block me outright - only to unblock me a few months later. Many times she sent texts like "cutting" only to not respond whenever I asked her if she was ok or just "i'm alive aren't i?"

At this stage, I didn't ignore her but was considerate enough to answer. I don't know if this was bad or good. In November 2017, I had a big incident in my life where I felt very violated/discarded (nothing to do with my ex) and I went running back to my ex. This was a huge mistake on my part. During this period (about 1 month), she made me feel like shit. She has called me: a narcissist, a child, not-a-man, all-or-nothing, selfish till the end, extreme, intense, a liar, obsessive, have superficial feelings, cruel, evil, manipulative, petulant, suffocating. She turned the page on me and effectively made me feel like shit that I couldn't be friends with her.

If I respond with an "OK", I'm mocked with 1) "you and your okays" 2) "you and your self serving okays". If I type out a more considerate response, for ex, "of course not" I get a "no not of course not, you manipulative bastard".

I'm never given any opportunity to defend myself, to give my side of the story. If I even attempt it, I'm told "always about you isn't it". If I attempt to block her/ignore her/move-on I'm told "I knew you'd never change".

At this stage I just don't know what to do? Since 2010 I have wanted just to live my life but she meant the world in a previous stage of my life and I don't want to discard her. Every conversation of her involves her verbally abusing me and she even acknowledged that she's a bitch to me but I don't know why she does it. I have never verbally abused her and the most mean thing i did was when i explained to her in 2015 that her behavior is borderline stalkerish.

Is this emotional abuse? Being shutdown at every opportunity? Being laughed at or being told I make everything about myself every-time I try to give some clarity or try to defend myself? I am blamed for so much where I have started questioning my very nature - asking friends I've ever used them for personal gains, asking them if i make things about myself and I've become so hyper aware that I change or not engage in conversation even if it is to relate to someone by talking about myself in a conversation.

I don't know what to do.