*ANY POSITIVE/CONSTRUCTIVE ADVICE WELCOMED

Thank you in advance for any advice given and sorry if you actually read this torturously long story of my crazy relationship. It's kind of therapeutic to finally say it aloud to no one in particular, while being kind of anonymous, and seeing it all in black and white. No one knows the whole truth but me and him (ok...mostly just him)...just the edited and not-as-long-and-drama-filled version that's been told.

Questions that constantly go through my mind, so feel free to help answer some/all of them if you so choose: *Should I stay or should I go? Why am I so torn? Why can't I let go even after all of this pain and suffering? *Could he just be trying to manipulate me again so can continue to have his cake and eat it too, therefore taking advantage of the fact that I promised to never leave and knows I love him no matter what? *Once a cheater, always a cheater? *Is it possible to get over something like this and the relationship survive relatively intact? *Is it possible to truly trust again after such a heartbreaking betrayal? And enduring the many lies to my face when suspicious and finally confronted him? *Will the fear of being played for a fool again ever go away? It's definitely controlling my thoughts and actions. *Why wasn't I enough and if I stay, will I ever be? What's wrong with me? Was simply following my heart and ignoring my mind. *When you're in love, when is enough enough? Used to think that it was NEVER enough but reaching the end of rope and not feeling hopeful.

I've been mostly happily divorced for 17 years and have never remarried. Was engaged a couple times but was never able to go through with it because couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone...until I met the only person I can honestly say I truly love, almost 3 years ago.

He's the love of my life...my best friend...my family...my future...my "one". He's the only man I've ever truly loved and have been able to let my guard down and completely open up to without feeling judged...NEVER loved anyone the way I love him. Before him, was very cold and heartless while forming very little emotional attachment, if any. He made me feel safe, secure, loved and wanted...thought he was the man of my dreams, my soul mate. I'd waited a long time to experience true love, and at the persistence of my friends, stepped away from "my type" to find my one true love. It's been the most beautiful and painful experience of my life.

Now that most of the truth has been revealed (through my own investigating...found/saw texts, pictures, credit card/bank statements, etc. NOT because he came clean on his own without prompting), can sadly say I was falsely and manipulatively led to believe we were anything other than blissfully happy and building a beautiful future together. We were inseparable...always sickeningly sweet and happy, affectionate, laughing, joking...watched "our" shows together almost every night...we were the perfect match. My friends were so jealous of our relationship....but now I know half of it turned out to be a lie and I am beyond devastated. As I've showed him previously, I can forgive but can NEVER forget. Sometimes (ok...almost daily) the bad memories replay in my mind and think I'm entitled to be upset at times and can't always fake a happy face, like my world isn't falling apart around me.

About a year and a half ago he admitted that he cheated and got her pregnant (all while we were living together; lots of lies and covering up; way too much to list)...but chose to stay and try to fix us after he confessed with partial truths because promised I'd never leave love him unconditionally...can't imagine my life without him. It's a little scary how good he is at lying while looking my directly in the eyes. To be able to carry on a year-long affair while sleeping in the same bed most nights is hard to digest. How could I have been so blinded love to not see he really was living a double life? I consoled him when he came to my crying about how difficult living was. Told him he was being overly dramatic and I understood how hard it was trying to co-parent with a hostile counterpart and maintaining our relationship. I've been in the baby's life, who just turned a year old last month, since he was 2 weeks old. I love that baby like he's my own...he's part of the man I'm madly in love with, so how could I not?!? However, moved out about 9 months ago (when had proof of a second affair), but still see them once every week or two. As much as I love them both, that beautiful baby (the innocent victim in all this drama) is a sad reminder that I wasn't enough, and got more and more difficult to cope with as time went on. He says I'm the love of his life also, but how could he have possibly done the things he has to someone he supposedly loves. I've been through so much pain and suffering but stayed because I can't give up on the love of my life. But if this is what true love is...not sure how much more I can emotionally handle and don't want any parts of it in the future for fear of feeling this devastated and beyond repair ever again. Sadly, I'll admit I was happier when blind to the betrayal and before I knew even the partial truths. Maybe I'd be able to handle the situation better if it was just a one night hookup and not a year-long affair along with a baby. I'm not really sure that he, or anyone, understands the pain and suffering I've endured because of his bad decisions and indiscretions. Some times it feels as if he blames me for his cheating and that hurts me to my core. Always thought I was giving everything he needed and wanted, and he made me believe that was the case.

Since moving out, I'm finding my way back to being the strong person I was before we met. Somehow, trying to make him happy while dealing with all of the devastation and heartbreak, I lost myself and became someone I didn't even recognize. For some reason, even after everything we've been through together, I can't let go or give up on the love of my life. However, a couple times over the last few months when can't handle it anymore or briefly coming to the conclusion I deserve better and can to live without him, I waved the white flag and have been resigned to fact that I need to walk away. When finally reached breaking point and blocked him completely (no calls, texts, or emails, only directly to voicemail) for a couple days, his messages alternated between saying anything to cause the most hurt to telling me things been waiting to hear for 2 years. That he finally wants to go to counseling together, willing to compromise on other issues, and he still wants love, happiness and a family with me. So, I caved and gave into his pleas because these were things I thought we were working towards together. He rarely tells me he loves me anymore (something I stopped saying very often months ago and not sure he even really noticed) but he doesn't want me to go. He doesn't seem to even appreciate or make me feel loved/wanted anymore until I'm about to give up and walk away. He's said quite a few times for me to "stick it out while he fixes everything, I promise it will be worth it". Well, it's been 2 years and has yet changed for the better. Since he convinced me to unblock him, he's been constantly accusing ME of cheating (never have...not even when at our worst, couldn't bring myself to even consider dating again). He previously admitted to accusing me of cheating when he started because he "so guilty ridden" and was trying to divert his guilt. So now find myself wondering if that's what's happening again and I'm being played for a fool yet AGAIN! He also says I've turned into a bitch because apparently he doesn't like that I'm finally calling him out when something doesn't seem/feel right, instead of keeping it to myself til it uncontrollably spews out. All I want and have always wanted was for him to be completely honest, come clean to the lie already discovered, and help ease my mind by answers some of the questions I still have. He says I've changed...umm I have...pain changes people, it caused them to trust less, overthink more, and shut people out. And he also says I "don't get" him anymore...quite honestly I don't. He's no longer the man I fell in love with. However, I'm willing to stick it out and learn the new person that's replaced his former self, but only if it's a mutual effort...not assume we already know each other anymore. Thought I knew the real him, but we can see how that turned out.