I really need advice. Me and my ex had been dating for 2 years and we had a rocky relationship once in college due to long distance. I tried to make it work for a year and a half in college but he never transferred and it hurt me continuing it but I did for his sake. There were times I saw on his phone he drunkly texted his friends about other girls but I always tried to forgive him as I know he never cheated on me.

One time right before we hit 2 years I hosted his friends at my place for a party on my campus and things got bad. We got into an argument and his friends got in between to yell at me. We then went to a party and my ex (bf at the time) left me while I was intoxicated over and over. When I finally found him a girl was wrapped around him I thought they were kissing so I pulled her off him and she fell back as she was drunk. Turns out it was his friends gf giving him a hug. I have never reacted like this and even apologized to the girl the next day immediately which she accepted with a laugh. However my ex immediately lashed out and called me crazy and dumped me at that party. He kept yelling and berating me the entire night and I sat on the floor dazed and crying while his college friends took a pic of me and posted it. I eventually got back home and his friends staying with me told him to dump me immediately. I tried so hard to make my relationship work with him because he seemed genuinely sorry but for months after that his friends berated me and spread information about me that just wasn’t true. It was one of the lowest points of my life I has never gotten so much hate in my life. They made groupchats to talk about me and went to my hometown friends to talk bad about me. He never tried too hard to defend me. I know hes a quiet guy but it hurt so much that he never tried to tell them to leave me alone or stand up for me.

In Jan. start of the next semester I asked him if we could have an open relationship. Not because I wanted to sleep around but I thought if he got with another girl he would realize how much he cared about me. However, one of his friends transferred to my college that semester and we started hanging out. About two weeks into the semester, one thing led to the next and we kissed. I immediately felt such intense guilt I broke up with my ex even though we were in a open relationship and lied about nothing happening. Me and his friend were close but I never expected to actually like him ever and never did when I asked my ex for the open relationship. I genuinely think my depressive episode paired with his friend comforting me through arguments and absence of my ex when it came to talking during long distance led me to it. We got into a 10 month long situationship that was on and off. I never still fully cut off contact with my ex as his friend was never someone I wanted to date. My ex was free to get with other girls but he never did, he only saw me over breaks and what not. I started to fall in love with him again and knew I would have to tell him. He suspected something with his friend but I just denied it and never came clean. I know I gaslighted him horribly. I was too scared and he had personal things going on so I didnt want to add to it. Eventually I fully cut off the friend and decided to come clean to him. However, his “friend” beat me to it and told him everything as he was scared of losing his friends on my terms. For months I wanted to come clean but his friend stopped me and told me what everyone would think about me as my social life was already in shambles from the last years incident. I hate that guy so much he was so emotionally draining and it was a toxic situation. If anything it reminded me what I never want to see in a guy. I have no feelings for him left anymore and I frankly don’t care about him.

My ex blocked me everywhere and gave me a final call today. He told me everything I wished he told me a year ago, how he wouldve stood up for me and how much he cared. He saw me in his future but not anymore. It hurts so bad I threw something away like this but I genuinely just wanted a break. A chance to grow apart from him and I wish I could take it back. Hurting him was the worst feeling in the world and I regret it every second. Is there any coming back from this? How do I cope? I feel terrible about myself and deep regret like I was snapped out of a trance. All my feelings and memories came back 10 fold.

Right now I know my ex told his friends and people close to him as I deserve. Frankly I stopped caring about other people’s opinions of me I really only care about his. I am kicking myself over and over again about this situationship. I know I don’t deserve his forgivness but its also making it impossible for me to move on. He told me he hates me and never wants to see me again. I really want to work on my myself and show him I can be better. I would never cheat or lie to him when we were together. He was my everything for so long genuinely I regret looking for anything with anyone else. Is this something I can be forgiven for? One of those instances time can heal? I really would appreciate any sort of insight on this.