My partner and I have been together for a year but known each other for five, and during that time have watched each other go through several bad to downright abusive relationships before we finally got together (that part is a funny story that doesn’t fit with this post but I’m happy to tell it). While this means we know each other really well, it also means we know how the other has been hurt by past partners and the damage it’s done. Before anyone asks, we’re both receiving professional help for our issues and have stellar communication. I’ve asked her for what support she knows she needs and vice versa. Right now I’m specifically looking for people with similar experiences who can give advice. Our relationship is also not typical, with me being Aroace Genderfluid and her being Allo Transfem, so keep that at least partially in mind.

We’d initially talked about polyamory in the future because she often has close friendships develop into something more (I was cheated on several times so it wasn’t a right now thing, obviously). As we’ve talked about it, though, it’s turned more to realizing that her trauma has led her to believe that anyone approaching her for friendship ultimately wants something romantic and/or sexual from her and that that is required to keep any sort of relationship whether she wants it or not. For a while (specifically after a very traumatic event back in 2023) she was only comfortable trusting me because of this (some mix of knowing me for that long and me being Aroace) and struggled with the few friendships she tried to make in 2024. As our relationship has developed, though, she’s gotten better at upholding that boundary, hence why polyamory as a potential discussion is very much on hold right now and doesn’t need to be addressed.

How do I encourage her to make friends in a healthy and supportive way? Is there any advice or reassurance I should be sure to provide her with? I’m happy to answer any additional questions if needed. Just want to make sure I’m being the best partner I can be in this situation.