My partner and I have been together 8 years have 3 wonderful and wild children ranging from ages 7 to almost 18m. (Our ages changed for anonymity.) The fact we've made it this far is honestly a testament of dedication in it's own. That being said obviously things haven't always been rainbows and unicorns. If I'm being honest rainbows and unicorns isn't how it's been besides very rare short burst here and there since probably 6 months into my first pregnancy.

Our communication was once what anyone would've aspired to have with their partner. Somewhere in the first 1.5-2 years a bomb might as well have detonated which I'll be clear that both sides are responsible for. I'm responsible for my fair share of what's led us here. This being said I've endured quite a bit of trauma during our earlier years... I can't say a little because that's a lie. Over time as most people do I started to develop trauma responses without ever realizing it. A few being I'm terrified of bringing up things that bother me am a extreme people pleaser and tho once was able to talk about my own feelings now fill with anxiety at the thought. I'll fight with myself over ways to word something get extreme anxiety and the words are lodged in my throat as if they are choking me. This isn't a problem I have when it comes to communicating with anyone else tho I'm definitely more avoidant than I used to. Others I can push thru and still express the way I used to but with a anxiety I'd never had while doing so before. I also tend to disassociate after a certain point. I've noticed quite often I'll feel unheard misunderstood and defeated when I reach the point of disassociating. I'm there but im not I'll still hear what he says but my responses are very short he calls it me shutting down. Which in a way is accurate supposed. Tho I'm not entirely a part of the conversation still I always make sure I still hear him regardless even if I'm incapable of responding correctly. Recently I've expressed that I disassociate even going as far as to state that tho it'd been 24hrs I was definitely still disassociated. To which he began a conversation I thought was wrong to try and have after I'd already stated I was disassociated as eventually I just disassociated that much more. What drives me nuts is it'll be obvious that I'm disassociated or "shut down" and he'll ask me if I want/need a hug. Like it fixes something or maybe comforting sometimes he'll try to be extremely loving and or adoring in a intimate way while I'm clearly not there I'm staring beyond him nothing is causing a smirk definitely not smiling about things. If he fights for one by like peppering me in kisses all over my face I'll force a fake one but I know he sees it never reaches my eyes. Sometimes I don't know if he doesny realize im still not pressing or doesnt care hell try to initiate sex. Which is extremely annoying and again not going to fix anything. I understand he probably things he's comforting me or trying to move past what caused it maybe bring that part of me back to the moment but it doesn't. The second I disassociate I want to be left alone. I definitely don't want or need a hug as I feel almost hollow mixed with typically hurt or anger. I can't enjoy and get lost in a intimate moment as I usually would nor am I even remotely in the mood for sex. Seduce all you want I'm just not reachable. I fight the need to flight to find solitude to both not cause a explosive problem I literally can't help happening and to not disrespect him or make it seem I don't care because I definitely care. His actions have caused my nervous system to believe that disassociation is needed to protect me it's not something I choose to do. His attempts to love on me during those moments drive me insane because obviously I don't want your damn hug. I want to know when this ends so I can figure out how to not feel like I'm not in my body. But if I respond with no I don't want your fucking hug I frankly don't want to be touched unless it's my youngest son I know I'll hurt him. That hug that kiss, the cuddle or you stroking my face looking at me with love feels almost agonizing while also breaks me because I wish I was truly there to enjoy it. How