What do you think the best course of action would be to either fix (if fixable) this relationship or to safely leave it with the least amount of damage for both of us?

We’ve been together 6 years. To put it bluntly I’ve never been so miserable in my entire life and I’ve been in extremely physically and mentally abusive relationships in the past. I feel like I’ve lost my complete sense of self through the course of this relationship but to be fair other things have happened in the course of it as well (Covid, and the suicide of my long time best friend).

My mental health has been declining rapidly. I don’t know if I’m being gaslit or if I’m gaslighting her or if we’re both just equally toxic or if it at all matters.

We are both diagnosed with PTSD, borderline (mine is mostly in remission), depression, anxiety and she has really bad ADHD that significantly impacts her daily functioning (she doesn’t take her meds as prescribed because she sells some of them to make money). She has been unemployed for a couple years now and has been living off of an inheritance she got in 2020 but is down to about $6,000 and has been very nonchalant about taking action to find a job/income. I am truly afraid we will lose our housing. She pays her half of the rent and utilities. But aside from that, I am taking the brunt of other bills (gas, groceries, household items, everything our cats need, etc).

One of my biggest frustrations and the cause of fights for years now is the imbalance in our relationship. I cook, I do the dishes, I clean, I wake up before her every morning to feed the cats/get them water/clean their boxes/give them their medicine, she won’t even get out of bed until I bring her coffee. I do all the grocery shopping. I keep track of what we’re running low on and make lists of what we need (groceries, cat food, litters, their meds, etc). I deep clean the cat boxes once a week. I change the trash. I break down the recycling and bring it to the basement. Etc. the whole six years I’ve known her she’s cooked for me less than 5 times. She’s woken up before me less than 5 times. In the last two months she’s washed dishes maybe a few times. If I ask her she might bring the trash out. A lot of her not doing chores/forgetting is blamed on her ADHD. I am aware that this is a factor. I’ve tried to be understanding of this but after awhile it feels like an excuse and cop out when I’m dealing with the worst treatment resistant depression of my life for about 5 years straight now to the point where I’m seeking alternative treatments (things aside from therapy and meds). When I was in the very beginning stages of grieving by best friends death she wouldn’t even wake up before me to help me with the cats. She wouldn’t cook me dinner. She wouldn’t wash the dishes. I could barely get out of bed but I HAD to because I love my cats and they’re dependent on us. She’d just lay in bed next to me. I asked her over and over to please help me in the ways I needed. She wouldn’t.

I used to commute to work which turned my days into 12-13 hour days/5 days a week. The amount of work she’d put in around the house (mind you she still wasn’t working at this point) didn’t change.

She is the most codependent person I’ve ever met. I used to be independent. I loved (needed and still need as I’m a true introvert) my alone time. I used to love taking myself out on dates. Or just going to get my hair done alone. Some of the best times in my life were simple, solo weekend getaways for a night or two - just me.

In this relationship, that sense of self is completely obliterated. She’s gotten to the point of crying when I’ve told her I want to go to the store alone. I can’t even go to doctors appointments or hair appointments alone. To be fair, within the last couple months she’s been a little better and I have been able to do grocery shopping by myself which is my one escape from her aside from work. When I do have plans with just me and my sister (rare) it causes a huge emotional reaction in her. She becomes afraid and that fright turns into … I don’t know if you’d call it control or manipulation or guilting? Basically she tells me she’s afraid I’ll die in a car accident or get roofied. The second I leave the house she starts texting me (while I’m driving - the irony) usually saying something to make me worried/feel bad, such as she thinks one of our cats is sick or acting off or that she’s really depressed, etc. she’ll text me throughout the night.

She twists my words a lot. Or plays with my memories of events until I question everything that’s happened. Timelines, words, people involved, etc. I don’t know if she does it on purpose or not but I’ve started taking notes on my phone so I can remember things she’s said/did so I don’t feel so crazy all the damn time.

Our sex life has become nonexistent and I’ll take the blame for this. I have no sexual interest in her. Even kissing or hugging her feels like I’m being assaulted. To be clear, she’d NEVER make me do anything I didn’t want to do. I just force myself to kiss her because I truly feel bad. But my body recoils and I have this trauma response. The idea of being sexual with her makes me feel physically ill. I’m attracted to her. We’ve had great chemistry in the past. It’s not that. It’s just our relationship as a whole. It doesn’t make me want to be intimate with her. I see that this kills her and I feel horrible but I don’t know what do.

I know this is A LOT. I apologize. I don’t have a lot of outlets. I do see a therapist. Sometimes I talk to my sister but she just wants me to up and leave her and it’s not that easy.

My partner has basically told me she’d die without me and that our cats would too.

I could really use some advice. Is there anything healthy or salvageable here. Anything I can improve upon.

I’m considering couples counseling but I’m afraid the therapist will just read me like a book instantly and see I’m done. At this point I feel such disdain. Such anger. I’m irritable all the time. I’m mean to her. My words cut. I very rarely smile. I’m not innocent either. But I’m not who I used to be. I’m someone I’ve never been in any other relationship. I feel like a shell. Leaving isn’t simple because neither of us could afford to live alone. Our cats are covid cats and unsocialized outside of me and her (and have health concerns) they’re both extremely attached to us both. I couldn’t rip them apart. And it would break my heart to ever take them from her. I don’t know what to do.