Hi everyone, I don’t know why I’m writing this, I guess just to vent. I met a girl in August and we’ve been slowly building toward making a relationship. She had some bad trauma which is why she wants to take it slow but I’ve accepted that and been understanding going at her pace.

It felt like the last few weeks especially the last 2 we were really getting closer. I was starting to feel wow… this could be incredible, I was thinking about her all the time.

For the context of the story, we play with kink, and one of our kinks I felt we needed to talk about some boundaries and just to make sure we were on the same page about it. I think we could have better prepared the situation and the aftercare. I told her I said stuff on my mind about it and I wrote it out where I could better think. I said I was nervous about sharing because I didn’t want it held against me. But she made me feel secure that she wouldn’t and that I should communicate openly. So I did. She sent an equally long reply. Some things she agreed with and some thing she didn’t and some things she also communicated she was hurt by. It was clear that we just had some misunderstandings, I didn’t think there was anything that couldn’t be fixed by talking out to which she agreed. I was relieved because I’m apprehensive of losing her by making one wrong step. My reply after that took me 90 mins to write, she read it and thanked me for sharing but I said we’re better off talking about this in person to which she agreed again.

So here’s where the real shit has stated. We talked on the phone Tuesday morning, I kind of brought up one or two things about what we were talking about but she didn’t really reply and changed subject so I left it. She hung up on me pretty abruptly as a co worker walked in. So what I did after was that I walked around downtown looking at the tall buildings aimlessly wandering tryna just take my focus off the weird feeling in the air between us. I just needed to get to Wednesday where I would get the bus to her place and we could talk it all out but I didn’t really wanna think about it till then which is hard for me because I have an over active mind. Around 4 I met with a friend, went for a beer, she text me then but I didn’t reply straightaway cause I was talking to my friend at the bar obviously. We went back to his and watched a movie. I got home around 9:30. I didn’t reply to the text at this point that I had left open because she told me she’d be going to bed around 7 when we had the call in the morning because she and exhausting day before with little sleep, so I said I’d leave it till morning. I briefly woke up around 7 ish and replied and then i left my ringtone on in case she wanted to call as she drove to work.

Come 10am still no reply so I sent her a message asking could she let me know what time to get the bus at, I was completely shocked to receive a message back informing me that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to meet anymore and start going into details of when I was last active on Tik Tok instagram etc. I was stunned I really didn’t think she was like that. Shes shown me not one insecurity since I met her. She’s often not replied thru the day like I did the day before, I never thought anything of it, I just thought it was a texting habit which is fine, my ex used to jump up my ass for not texting so I thought it was healthy to not expect constant texts.

I explained to her everything I did the day before and why I didn’t text back. I then text her and said could she please let me know if I should get the bus which takes an hour to get to her, I followed up with another text saying the last bus is 2:15 and I need to know now. I watched 3 buses go by including the 2:15. Then I headed home devastated. This is my first week off work since the summer, I live a continent away from home, all my friends are away for the holidays, I’m really alone this week and this was the one thing I was excited for. I was gutted. Hours went by and eventually she text saying she needed time to process those messages. In one of the message I said why are you looking at my activity and trying to think of conspiracy theories as to why I didn’t reply. I think she took offence to this and I apologised for a poor choice of words. I tried to explain that I didn’t mean the term conspiracy theories that badly, and I let the word “calm” slip out as I typed in a frenzy, I knew the minute I sent it she was gonna kill me for it. More about that later. But the rest of the message was explaining that she was really busy in work which I believe, she told me she’d be working later as it’s before the holidays.

But anyway my problem with that excuse is why did she message me at 11 am ish to say “I don’t know what the plan is” if she didn’t have any intention on replying to a follow up message. She should have said yes come or no don’t come. Sitting watching those buses go by waiting for a text not knowing what was going on were some of the most humiliating moments of my life. I was so upset when I got home after I eventually gave up.

Anyhow finally she got back Thursday and said she was extremely pissed off about being told to calm. She really despises the word. I apologised over and over, tried to explain it was a simple fuck up that slipped out. She said she would’ve called me on Thursday if I didn’t say the word calm which tbh I resent. I’m sick of her saying stuff like “I was gonna do X but then you said Y so I changed my mind”…. Just infinitely making an error that I’m deeply sorry for feel even worse. So childish. I tried to say sorry so many times and assure her I just messed up. No reply. I sent her a voice note explaining that I messed up but also explaining that I thought some of the stuff she did was lousy as fuck. Still there was silence.

At first I was devastated, then that turned to anger, I debated sending her an angry message criticising her and ending it on my own terms. But then that anger turned to sympathy. I thought this is not like her, some other shit has gotta be going on. So on Monday after 3 days of no Contact I sent her a light hearted note including pics of our journey together and just going over some funny memories. And at the end I said I hope this isn’t our final chapter. She finally reached out and said she’ll look though it soon and she spent the last few days thinking about things and listening to my voice note. I said that’s cool and I just asked in return if she could simply let me know what to do, does she need space if so for how long… the silence started again.

Tuesday I got sick of it, I sent her a quick voice note and said that I’m sorry for putting her under pressure and giving her an ultimatum but that this has gone out to long, a simple few misunderstanding and unfortunate choice of words leads to me getting ignored for nearly a week isn’t good enough, so I told her if I didn’t hear from her by the end of the night I’d assume I was no longer welcome in her life.

She sent me a long message back, the gist of it was that she understands that she treated me bad and was sorry, she’s still annoyed by me saying the word calm and is struggling to move past it. She said she read the note and it was great and she loved it. She said she doesn’t ultimately know when she’ll be ready for a relationship and that she’ll only end up hurting me and she said her mom could be sick and it’s not helping. She said at the end she debated just leaving me and accepting that I’d think she’s the biggest dick in the world but that she couldn’t do it to me.

My thoughts on that are like I really don’t care how long it takes to be in a relationship with her, I just like having her in my life and was enjoying what we were doing, status means little to me at this point in my life, but the future and the sacrificing of potential happiness does. And I could see week by week we were making progress. I do seriously worry though that she can’t move past me saying a fucking four letter word by accident, I mean come on is that really how little it takes to piss her off? I think she needs to grow up a bit on that. I can understand why calm was a poor choice of word but Jesus Christ move on. Makes me feel like I’ll forever have to walk on eggshells. I’ve said sorry a million times. And Jesus I hate the whole “because of everything I’m going through I’ll only hurt you if we are in a full on relationship”.. feels like she’s just feeling sorry for herself in a way and forgetting that I’ve been so understanding about what she’s going through and I’ve tried to help her as much as I can. But just because you’re going through a hard time doesn’t give you a free pass to treat people like shit. Such a cop out. To often in modern times people feel comfortable doing shit things but make themselves feel a little better about it by justifying it some other way. This is the worst anyone has ever made me feel in my life. I told her I’d wait for her and am in no rush, either accept that and move forward with me or tell me I’m not wanted. Just be clear.

What’s pissed me off so much is the lack of communication in what she wants.. do you want space? If so how long? Do you want me to be there for you? Do you want me to fuck off and never be seen again? Are you thinking about things and if so what are you thinking about? Just tell me.

I tried to message back saying how understanding I was about everything and that I just want to meet up and talk it out and I also said now she’s going through shit with her mom that I want to be there for her even more. I said I wouldn’t give up on her and the only way I could be gotten rid of is if she tells me I’m not wanted. I wanted to make it feel like I’m mature to move forward and not hold grudges and that I got her back through anything.

Well guess what happened next. Silence. So I guess that meant little to her. Haven’t heard from her in two days and have no idea when I will or if I will. I’m getting sick of it all now to be honest. I’m back to feeling anger.

What hurts the most is the last months progress. If this happened a few weeks ago it would have hurt sure but in the last month she’s told her family about me, came to my bday party and met my friends, and much more. She really built me up just to knock me down. At least if it happened before then it would have hurt a little less.

Idk how she feels so comfortable stringing me along hurts so much but to the point where it’s stopping hurting and is just making me pissed. I’m tempted to send her a message to end things and tell her just how shitty she’s been but look what would that achieve. I’d never hurt her anyway when it really came down to it, it’s just not in me. Even if I did it would just allow her to be like oh he’s just like any other guy…

but despite everything I really hope something happens that we can fix it but at the same time part of me is now thinking that she doesn’t deserve someone like me, I know I have a lot to give and am very gentle and caring and good putting the other person first. I know I have unique things to offer. And that’s what I have so far with her and I got the whole “you’re amazing, your kind, thoughtful etc” the other day in that message… well it means very little to me when you don’t treat me like it. I’ve been treated like I cheated on her or betrayed her or something for the last week when all I did was have a poor choice of words. Worst thing is is that she picked up on me asking a few times over the last few weeks what can I do better and her response? “The only thing you can do better is stop thinking you can be better you’re doing great..” then minor mistake no.1 look what happens. What bullshit that was.

Anyway that’s my story. Look forward to hearing people’s input. Any advice is appreciated