TL;DR at the end.

I'll preface this by saying that my question is somewhat a precautionary measure, backed up by information I've gathered from my experience in previous relationships and my current relationships.

I’m the kind of person who grew up thinking "Can I solve the problem? If yes, shut up, just fix it. If no, shut up, move on" and that's lead to me having a lot of repressed feelings. It wasn't intentional but studying CBT tools and strategies since I showed symptoms of depression since I was 10 years old accidentally taught me to get "over" my emotions rather than through them.

Apart from that, experience has taught me that being vulnerable is rarely rewarding. Outside of my first relationship, which lasted 5 years and ended when I was 20/21, people have abandoned me whenever I felt genuinely vulnerable and communicated issues with them. Truthfully, even with that long term partner, looking back I didn't allow myself to be vulnerable all too often. He was (and is) a great person but I didn't realize I had those issues until I tried being vulnerable with other people.

I've almost always been the "it's us vs. the problem" type of person and have tried to calmly express discomfort or doubt, yet the people after my first ex still left. Ironically, looking back, I never even felt strong negative emotions with any of those people. I didn't allow myself to with them too, honestly. Noticing that I’m the common denominator, I took time away from dating to work on myself and being a better person and partner in a lot of ways.

Fast forward to now, dating my current partner who I've been seeing for a year now. I've cried more to him than I have in all my other relationships combine. Heck, I've cried more to him than I have to myself in the last decade or more. It's nice but it's scary because I found a side of myself that I didn't see before.

I didn't realize I could be such a fucking cry baby (lol, half kidding, I’m trying not to shame myself for it and my partner never does too). But the worst part is that I actually have a lot of anger and defensiveness that I didn't realize I carried it with me until I was with him. Whenever I felt hurt and abandoned in relationships before, I always succumbed to pushing my feelings aside to make things "work" because I was scared people would leave. If it was some stranger, I can definitely become vengeful or petty or angry. But it's different with him.

I’m honest with him about my thoughts, that I get frustrated or feel defensive or upset. I even tell him that sometimes my initial reaction is "go fuck yourself" even if I’m trying to sit calmly and be productive. I noticed that I’m never passive aggressive but I’m aggressive aggressive if I don't try to calm down or even back away. We've been doing great at pausing, writing down our thoughts and feelings, using I-statements, and sharing POVs to come up with a solution or safe space for the both of us.

But I wanted to know if anyone had other tips to prevent him from internalizing my negative emotions or making him feel tired of it? I've had countless conversations with him and he said it's okay; he's a rock, really, but I’m worried he's not as aware of his emotions sometimes and that it may become too much. I told him to let me know and he does try to when he feels something bothers him. Like I said, this post is more a precautionary post than anything. I’m just worried that I’m not doing all that I can to be healthy with my emotions.

Today, for example, we were vibing after a rough day for me. I wanted to help him with his school work because he's stressed and it was finally something I can help him with. He said to answer something briefly, I told him I'll try but it's better if I still explain it. When I was writing it, he laughed and said that it isn't brief at all. I said it's 2 sentences and he said it has 4 lines so it isn't brief, still laughing. I felt insulted, criticized, and honestly so tired that I snapped and said that he's being mean. I tried to shut up but I felt my emotions coming up and after a minute I said that "if you're gonna be a dick about it, then you can go do it yourself." I was being sarcastic and making 3 word answers and said things liked "do you want me to answer with caveman bullshit? is this what you want" as I felt more emotions coming up. I realize that this wasn't fair and he wasn't meaning to be an asshole so I asked for space. I told him I'll be back in 15 minutes and I just need to breathe. I did. We talked about it. He thought he was just funny and apologized, and I did too. No harm, no foul. But I'd like to prevent that.

TL;DR My partner and I are in a good place right now but I’m scared I’m too emotional that he'll get hurt eventually.