I don’t really get along with my mom like it comes and goes. My brother to her is the golden child and that’s something I always noticed. My mom is a loud, outgoing, Italian-American and my brother is the same way. My dad and I are very quiet and introverted.

My fiancé is in South Korea due to us having visa issues trying to get him back in. We have one last option and if not I would have to move there. When my fiancé was here in the U.S. the holidays were much easier. I had that one person I could talk to and he was the person that gets me. The times I felt anxious with all the people and feeling lost in conversation, not knowing where I belong. He was always there holding my hand and he would just look at me with a confirming look that I’ll be ok. But now that I don’t have him with me I’m just so lost in all of these gatherings. Yes, you might say I need to speak up or make more effort to have a conversation with people. I tried it all and it doesn’t work. I know it might sound like my fiancé is my emotional support person and it’s not that. It’s just missing having him here and being lost within so many people.

My brother, his girlfriend, and her parents are coming over for Thanksgiving. My mom is ecstatic because she’s Italian too and my mom has met the girlfriend’s mom. They are basically the same and my mom has a deep connection with her being Italian. The last time both her and her mom came over I was very lost in all of the conversations. I really tried but I felt like I wasn’t invited in the conversation. My brother’s girlfriend is nice but I just don’t feel a connection with her. There’s just something about her that I don’t vibe with. She’s made some comments about my visa situation that I didn’t like but I don’t know if she was trying to be funny. I won’t go into deep detail about the comments but my friend who overheard it said she felt her comments were off and she was taking personal jabs towards me.

I don’t know what I’m going to do tomorrow. I feel like I’m starting to dread it. I know most of the time I’ll be looking up at the ceiling dissociating lol. I’m happy my mom has someone she can connect with but I just feel lost in the process. Does anyone else feel overwhelmed by the holidays when it comes to conversing with family? Do you just feel lost in it all?