Hi!

I wanted to vent because I feel bad with myself.
Today me (24F) and my gf (24F) went to visit a castle and we had some moments like kissing on forehead, hugging. Since we got together my gf doesn’t like some of the PDA stuff, but hugging and holding hands is OK and today she asked for the forehead kiss.

The thing is, I have huge problems with seeing when it’s OK and when it’s not. For example: she gave me a peck on the lip and then I deepened the kiss when nobody was in the room. I thought to myself: okay, maybe today is a day when she feels like it’s okay and fun. It gave me a rush of excitement that she’s into it and felt happy.

But when we went back to the car she said that it was uncomfortable for her – which I 100% understand!!! Since then I feel sick to my stomach and I feel disgusting with violating her boundary. I feel like something is wrong with me, because in such situations I always feel like „ah, I think today it’s ok!” and then usually it turns out it wasn’t okay. I know I should know better and always assume not to deepen the kiss, just accept the peck and end here.

We both thought we’ll want to be intimate when we come back home, because we had a great day together – but as I said, I feel so sick about myself I can’t and don’t want to have sex or any intimacy.

We talked about it, I said that I feel really bad about violating her boundary and I’m so sorry about this, but I know it’s not the first time I did this and honestly I don’t know what’s wrong with me. She said that she doesn’t feel violated but sad about the fact, that I know she doesn’t want that but I still kiss her.

I feel so sick about myself right now, I don’t even want to talk right now and it’s been hours. I act distant because I feel that I did such and awful thing and kind of want to hide so she doesn’t have to see me I guess. Also, I feel bad when she sees I feel down after talks like this, because it’s not that I don’t feel ok with her stating the boundary, it’s really 1000% okay with me. I just feel bad about myself. I told her that from now on I’ll assume it’s not ok, accept the peck and don’t give kiss back. I don’t know why I didn’t do that earlier.

TL;DR: I broke my gfs boundary about no PDA. I feel really bad about this and myself and don’t know what to do.