I keep going back and forth on this. I've talked to him, my sisters, friends. Sigh. Sometimes I feel strongly and scroll the job bank sites all day. Other times we have a good day and I wonder if I'm being stupid.

We met online. Pretty quickly we realized we had clicked and felt there was a solid romantic relationship there. He flew out to meet me and my (adult) children. I knew I wouldn't move forward with anyone that didn't fit with our family vibe. He was kind to them and they approved of him.

We talked extensively about living together..what that would look like. Expectations on both sides. How we were raised. Baggage each had. Past traumas. Past relationships good and bad. Both were surprised at finding someone who we clicked with in our 40s. We didn't not meet on a dating site. Neither of us was actively dating or looking.

So we decided we should move in together and see if this thing had legs so to speak. I left a lot behind to make this happen. I've moved countries again (back to my home country), new job, new city, new system to work in. Youngest came with me.

He had to accommodate two people moving in after being single for so long.

It's just not working. Nothing huge and dramatic. But I am noticing a pattern of what I was told before getting here not being the whole truth, or a version that shows things in its best light. The full truth probably would have had me ask more questions and not moved down so easily/ quickly. Lots and lots of details we're part of the choice to move when and how I did. I won't get into it at this point.

He's a good person. Maybe that's why I keep staying. He just sucks at communicating, will craft his answer to get the reaction he wants at the moment, and walks away when he feels criticism.

I keep thinking if I give us more time to get to know each other better.... But I really think I'm just dragging my feet because I'm sad it didn't work out. I am sad for what could have been, but isn't.

The little things I say aren't working ..

I think a lot comes to how we were raised , family culture.

He thinks everyone should sit at the table together before anyone eats or it's being disrespectful. I think taking 20 minutes to get to the table while the food gets cold is disrespectful.

He seems to not care if the entire house is full of cat hair (he has two cats) as long as the kitchen is clean. The bathroom can need a good scrubbing and he doesn't care, but dramatically sighs if he walks in and there is a dish in the sink.

He has blankets over his sofa to keep the cat fur off the sofa. I took them all to the laundry mat the week we moved in. One was cleaned once when a drink was spilled. That's it in eight months. The blankets are a constant annoyance for everyone. They pull down and it pulls the sofa back cushions down. They get bunched if you move. I always thought the point of blankets or a cover on the sofa was so you could easily clean it... But he doesn't do that, so what's the point. But he complains about them being pulled down every day. I'm ready to toss them all out at this point.

I hate his house. It was baught with his ex with a school zone in mind for a child. The things he wanted he didn't even get. So I don't think he even likes the house. Maybe that's why he doesn't seem to care about it. I have a medical issue that makes stairs hard. I can do them, but it hurts, hills are worse. The driveway is on the side of the house that is downhill. So I have to walk up a hill to the front door. Garage is a Floor down, bedrooms up. To get to the back yard is more stairs. He kept talking about spending time outside and gardening but he hates the heat (we are in southern USA. It's hot). He said the garage door opener for me needed a battery. I could get in down there and stairs suck but are better than the hill. Especially in the rain. But he hasn't fixed it so I have a garage door button thingy. There is a box to punch a code into on one of the doors. He hasn't fixed this for my use either.

I went to open a window and he told me no because of humidity. He runs the air 24/7. It's too cold, I'm constantly under a blanket. He complains that he wants to be able to walk around in his boxers if he wanted. Too cold buddy. I opened the window once it got cooler and the humidity wasn't an issue. Now he says no because it's too cold out. He has the heater on now. Again thinks he should be able to be naked if he wanted. I am having hot flashes and told him I can't have the heat on like he had it. So he's wearing pants and socks and whining about the cold. The truth is he barely changed the thermostat. Summer he had it at 68, winter 72. So whatever fluctuations he is feeling are not about the real temperature. It's in his head. It's cold outside so he wants heat. I need fresh air. WTF. I talked about loving to have the windows open and hear the birds and crickets at night. He never once mentioned 'i never want my windows open'.

His cats and the neediest things alive and he loves it. After a month of cats jumping on me as I slept and sitting on my heat and scratching me up I badicly moved to the edge of the bed and wrapped my own blanket around me and when he wanted to cuddle I kept asking how as his cat would get between us and shove her ass in my face. And people, he seems to love this dynamic and even talked about his cat being the queen and not approving of me, I was the side piece. So I kept away. He got pissy and asked what I wanted. I told him I had made it clear for an entire month that I didn't want the cats on me. I was clear. He was all put out about it and was pissy saying what so I just have to close them out. Yes. Exactly. I can't sleep with a 20lb cat jumping on me. And frankly you aren't either because I hear you wake up and turn over and tell him to get off. So the cats don't sleep with us anymore. But if he goes to bed before me he props the door open for them. So then I have to chase one out and grab the other, pulling her claws out of the bedding to move her. And he doesn't see the issue. I really should just go sleep on the sofa since he chooses to let them in there and the agreement was no. But I hate the fur covered sofa .

He talks about everything that is his furniture like it has a finate amount of usage and we are using it up. But his stuff he is on constantly in his office... That's fine.

He chooses to sleep in his office on the little love seat when he is up there late. Apparently it's easier to snuggle with the cats on a tiny love seat than it is to come to bed with me. (Our room is on the main level)

He collects stuff. But won't put it out around the house because the cats might knock it over. And the dust and cat hair would get all over it and he won't have that. He's gone so far as saying he'd never touch it out in the living room because what if the cats came over and touched it trying to get on him. Like... What? So your collecting a bunch of expensive stuff you'll never enjoy because you have cats. But will always have cats (he has said this). So you need a little room to put it all in, but you never go in there and enjoy them. Oh and this collection room can't be his office because how could he get through an entire day without his precious kitty's.

I don't have anywhere to hang my clothing up. The walk in closet is full of his things. Including his dirty clothes baskets. Cause he doesn't want cat hair on it. He literally gets dressed in the closet. Rollers himself and goes out the door. He comes home, changes out of work stuff and into his house wear. But I don't get to use that space. It's okay that I have cat hair on my things I guess. It's okay my dress shirts and slacks are folded in a dresser because he needs that closet. He wants anonomy over some space in his own home.

Now if you've been keeping track, we share a bedroom, in which I don't have a closet. He has an office. The spare room is for his collection. And my kiddo has a room. But he needs autonomy over that closet.

He talks non stop about fixing things in the house but does none of it. But also doesn't want me to do anything because I may not know what I'm doing. Guys I was a home owner of many places since I was 18. This is his first house. I was even a landlord for a time (divorce ended that). But I might fuck up something....

When we try to talk about important things, if I'm at all critical of him, he walks away butt hurt saying he can't talk to me right now. Which would be fine if he came back 15 min or something later and we finished the conversation. But he decides he's done with the conversation. Closed subject. We talked EXTENSIVELY about communication and it's importance before I moved here. If I show any emotion he walks away. I'm allowed to have feelings, fuck. I've stopped talking to him about anything of import now or anything that I don't like because there is no point.

And our sex life is dead. Lots of phone sex before when it was long distance. When I first got here. We seemed to be on the same page on a bunch of things sexually. Needs and desires. Pretty open to trying things it seemed. Neither had a huge drive but wasn't dead. We both talked about liking touch a lot. He said he has ED so getting off could be frustratin, we talk about this and agreed that sexual play was fun without the ending. Since then it became less and less and I realized nothing happened until I initiated. And it had to be him focused for him to engage. I have walked into his office or the living room where he was and not to be grafic but self pleasure. He might look over and be like oh hello... Oh nice. But nothing. No engagement. Didn't touch himself. Nothing.

He claimes he's attracted to me. Calls me sexy. But doesn't touch me. Recently when I tried to talk to him about it he said he doesn't need sex or to get off. He likes touch. I was asking what touch because he doesn't touch me sexually. He said back scratches and rubs were better than getting off. WHAT.

He works ALOT. We get like a few hours together in the evening. And it's watching TV and cuddling. On weekends he wants more of the same with bouts of disappearing into his office. Which he doesn't like people in.

And recently, which is the nail in the coffin for me. I have kids and friends and family. He knows I am close to my kids and have three grandbabies. I talked about them coming to visit before I even moved down here. Now it's always a no. Anytime I say X wants to visit soon "yeah no" comes out of his mouth before any details. He claims the house ain't ready yadda. Complains he's not comfortable with people in his house. Doesn't want the spare room set up like a guest room anymore, even though that was the agreement before I moved in. Now suddenly he is worried people would touch his things.

I know why, his family sucked when he was small. Hoarder mother who let other people break all his things (even if it was a new toy). But that was 30 years ago.

So I can never have visitors? I love him. But I don't want to live with him. I know moving out will likely end the relationship. But at thing point I think I'm okay with that.

Why can't I just choose where to move to (friends or back home) and do it. Why am I avoiding the confrontation of saying 'this isn't working'.... Blah

I'm usually so decisive. Has anyone else felt similar or drug their feet when it was time to end things?