I’m(36F) trying to determine where to go from here…I hate that I feel this way but I do not feel in love with my husband(42M) and I so desperately want what we once had back again. So here is why I believe I am where I am at with this.

We have been married for 8 years, together since 2012. Up until we bought a house and started our family, I was madly in love with him. Would do anything for him. In 2019 I had become pregnant. It was a bit of a difficult one with hyperemesis gravidarum which ended in a c section. Then we had our second child (same type of pregnancy and delivery) in 2022. In those past 5 years A LOT has happened and a lot has changed between us. Things like how he had dealt with becoming a dad after our first was born was um pretty awful. The load of parenting and house management being on my shoulders despite being the breadwinner and working full time. Him not really understanding why I would get so upset, suggesting that I just tell him what needs done instead of expecting him to just do it. A lot of anger and resentment from me. I will not lie, I tend to explode and get nasty when I feel I am not being heard or respected. I get sometimes I can be overwhelming for him (I have ADHD). He has a habit of letting outer family members get involved in decisions that should only be made by him and myself especially when it comes to the kids. I feel he is rarely ever in my corner and that just sucks. Real bad. In this time I have also completely entrenched myself into motherhood and have not taken the time to care for me up until recently. I have lost 35 lbs and counting through changing my eating habits and incorporating exercise daily. I have made it a point to make me a priority and looking at my situation, it’s just clear of how far I have fallen. I am just not happy.

Although he *has* gotten better with doing his part, taking things off my to do list, he has even been more willing to help me carve out time to exercise or meal plan and also just being a more present parent, I can’t help but still feel jaded. I am scared of keeping this mindset and letting life pass me by. On the other hand, I wish I could get back that love I had for him. Years ago I pleaded with him to go to counseling with me but he pretty much refused. He’s hard to talk to when I have an issue with him. He tends to try to argue his way out of things and will write me off as being overly dramatic and unreasonable. I know if I told him how I feel, he’d probably say sorry but I don’t know where to go from there.

Straight up, our sex isn’t that great. I miss the passion, the intensity, I miss feeling genuinely desired. When he touches me I try to enjoy it but I can’t get myself there. This is probably so wrong but I have imagined myself with other men. How much I want their touch, I feel like I’d actually want it. I don’t want to ruin our family or destroy what we have built over the last 5 years. I want to fight for us but where the hell do I start??

tl;dr I am not happy with my marriage but I don't want to give up. Where do I start? How can I help to save this before I throw in the towel?