Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting in this subreddit. English is not my first language, so please be patient with my writing. Here’s my story in a long post...

I’m a 22-year-old female student at university, and our campus has a Christian fellowship. In our fellowship, sophomores (second-year students) are assigned to mentor freshmen (first-year students). One sophomore mentors around 5 to 7 freshmen. My mentor, let's call him X, was my mentor during my freshman year. He mentored 7 students in total—3 girls and 4 boys, including me. I was already in a relationship back then, so everything was fine.

However, during the first semester of my second year, I started struggling with psychological issues like anxiety and depression. I was diagnosed with ADHD and CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). X was the first person I confided in. As things went downhill, he was the one who helped me the most. I broke up with my boyfriend due to miscommunication, and I was extremely lonely without him. X supported me during this tough time, encouraging me to return to the fellowship. I joined the choir, and he was also part of it. Although the mentorship program only lasts for a year, X continued to support me long after that. It was during this time that I began to develop feelings for him.

By the time I reached my third year and he reached his fourth year (we’re both on a five-year course), we became inseparable. I should also mention that I’m the only one from the 7 of us who still keeps in touch with him. I tried to suppress my feelings because they felt wrong. In our fellowship, we refer to our mentors as "mom/dad" and "sister/brother" based on who else is under the same mentor, and we all consider ourselves like family. So, my feelings for him felt confusing and wrong.

I started distancing myself from him. When he asked why, I told him I was just busy, but we still maintained some contact, though it wasn’t the same. I started going to choir rehearsals alone instead of going with him like before.

Over the last break, we started talking again, and we ended up talking every single day, often staying up until late into the night and even pulling all-nighters on occasion. Now, the problem is that my feelings for him have grown even deeper than before. Even though we talk on the phone, I continue to keep my distance when we meet in person. He’s noticed, but hasn’t said anything about it. This year, he’s in his fifth year, and it’s his last year, while I still have one more year left. I’m stressed out because he’s not from a foreign country, and even though he’s told me he doesn’t plan to go back, I’m scared he’ll leave anyway.

Yesterday, after choir rehearsal, he offered to walk with me since we rehearse off-campus, and it’s about a 20-minute walk to the main gate. We talked the whole way, and he invited me to dinner. Of course, I agreed. We ended up staying until the cafeteria closed. Afterward, we both went to our respective dorms. This interaction made me realize I’m in love with him. Every time I try to distance myself to get him out of my head, just one small interaction is enough to pull me back to where I started.

Part of me wants to tell him everything, but another part doesn’t want to risk it. I’m really confused because he’s also confusing. Sometimes he makes me feel special, and other times I feel like I’m just another person to him. Also, there’s this girl in his class who’s very close to him. She’s not in the choir, so I’m not close with her, but I’ve heard her friends talk about how great it would be if she and X ended up together. I don’t know what X thinks about her, though.

To make things even more complicated, there was a girl on campus who everyone knew liked him during my freshman year. At one of our mentorship gatherings, we asked him about it, and he said he felt it would be cruel to pursue her since we were just in college, and she’d probably forget about him once she graduated. On another occasion, he told me he wouldn’t start a relationship until he had a stable income. When I asked what he would do if he fell in love with someone before then, he said he wouldn’t start a relationship. He also shared that he had a huge crush on a girl in high school but never approached her because he was already planning to leave the country for university.

On the other hand, his friends leave us alone to talk whenever I approach him. One time, when I mentioned my ex’s name, the whole atmosphere changed, and X quickly changed the subject. On another occasion, he asked if I was truly over my ex. To make it more confusing, he’s basically nice to everyone, and I can’t tell if he’s just being kind out of pity or if there’s something more.

So, as you can see, I’m really confused. Any advice would be really helpful, especially if you're a Protestant Christian girl who has experienced something similar. Thanks for listening!