I have no one in my personal life I can talk to about this, so hopefully someone on the internet can help guide me through this.. For context, I(27F) have been with my fiancé J(28M) since 2021. We have a toddler who is almost 2. I am neurodivergent and suffer from OCD, which makes it so I have a very hard time moving past things that are nostalgic/deep and distressing. I spend so much of every day ruminating over the past, and how I could have been better or different, etc. So I know a big part of my story comes from mental health struggles, but I also believe In certain aspects of spirituality and spiritual connections, which is what I am having a hard time differentiating. I was with my ex, T(28M) from 2017-2020. We began dating shortly after a very traumatic event in my life, and I truly have never felt more connected with and understood by another person in my life. I always joked saying we were soul mates/twin flames, because it felt as though him and I had a past life connection type feeling. I have never felt this with any other person or partner before. When the first wave of COVID lockdown happened, I started getting influenced by some new friends to go out to bars, act single, etc. I was truly horrible to T, disrespectful, made so many mistakes, and ultimately broke up with him and moved to another city. I don't know why I acted that way, and I regret it every day of my life. He began dating someone very quickly after I left, and told me to not contact him again. This tore me up and I spent weeks sobbing, feeling like I made the worst decision in the world and not having him in my life felt wrong. I began dating J, my fiancé, in spring of 2021. We moved very quickly and began living together and combining lives in just a few months. I never felt the same spiritual connection to him, but I carried on the relationship. We moved in 2022 together back to the city I previously lived with T, and everything felt so bad and wrong for no apparent reason. My mental health plummeted, I fell deep into an eating disorder to cope, and I was crying daily. I found out we were expecting our son, and we moved back to my hometown where we live now. Now the reason why moving past T is so hard is because J has anger issues that he won't seek help for. When we argue, he cusses me out and yells, which I tell him I don't like, but he doesn't change. During my pregnancy, he was so horrible to me and we fought constantly, he would leave me to go drink with his friends while I was stuck at home from pregnancy complications. I felt so alone during that time, I felt an overwhelming feeling of regret over the past and how I wished I had T back. Once our baby was born, he became an excellent and very involved dad. He truly loves his son so much. We are very distant now though, we are not intimate, we spend our evenings in separate rooms, we both feel resentment towards each other, and it feels like we just are not even in a relationship, just coworkers taking care of our son. We get in arguments often, he yells and cusses, and I hide and visualize the past with T thinking how he would never act this way. We have tried counseling together but its too expensive for us to continue. I have wanted to reach out to T and apologize face to face for the way I ended things and hurt him, because I feel like it would give me closure to move on with my life and enjoy my life now, but every time J and I fight, I fall into this deep guilt and regret rumination that I messed up and chose the wrong path. I love my son more than anything, and I do not regret what led me to having him, but I feel still so connected to this person even after 5 years, and it makes me feel like I am going insane. I have vivid dreams where I see him, nothing romantic or sexual, just very vivid. I have not reached out because I do not ever want to disrespect both our current partners, but I feel like a face to face conversation would help me move on. (I am not missing this person in a romantic way, but more so a spiritual deep friendship that feels like I lost) I feel like I am falling deep into a hole, and normal people can move on past a breakup and it has been almost 5 years and I still miss this person so deeply. Would reaching out to T be a bad idea?? Or do I just repress the feelings further and hope one day I feel better....