First, I want to thank everyone who responded to my post. I was honestly overwhelmed by the sheer number of replies. I tried my best to read through as many as I could, and some of the advice was hard to hear, but necessary. It’s been a lot to take in, but one comment really stayed with me.

Someone mentioned how fragile life is and how little time we really have with the people we love. That struck me deeply. I’ve been so consumed by pain and anger that I forgot to think about what I’d want my relationship with my daughter to look like in the long run. If something were to happen tomorrow, would I be okay with leaving things as they are?

That thought stayed with me, and within a few days, I decided to contact my daughter. I told her I wanted us to talk, not to rehash the past or point fingers, but to figure out how we could move forward. She was hesitant at first, which I completely understand.

We had the conversation a few nights ago, and while it wasn’t easy, I’m grateful she was willing to open up. There were tense moments, and I won’t lie—it was hard to hear some of what she said. But for the first time in a long while, I felt like we were finally addressing what had been festering between us.

We talked about what had happened, and I finally asked her for the truth about everything. When I first discovered her father’s affair, he told me that she had always known about it. In fact, he claimed she had been his ally, hiding things from me multiple times. He even said that she disliked me and was on his side. Hearing that from him was devastating. I couldn’t believe my daughter would do something like that or feel that way about me. The way I found out about the affair was awful, and the idea that my daughter had played any part in it, even unknowingly, made it so much worse.

At first, she was very reluctant to talk about it, but eventually, she opened up and started sharing everything, including what led up to her actions. A few months before discovering the affair, she had been involved in a difficult situation at her high school. Without going into specifics, it was a matter where her actions led to serious consequences. The school had a zero-tolerance policy, and as a result, she was expelled. She had to transfer to a new school and repeat the year. On top of that, her grades took a hit, and she was finding it challenging to get back on track.

When it happened, I felt it was important for her to face the full weight of her actions and take responsibility for what she had done. I grounded her and took away her electronics, hoping the consequences would help her reflect and grow. I wanted her to understand the gravity of the situation and emerge from it as a better person. Her father, however, completely disagreed with my approach. He felt I was being too harsh, insisting that she had already learned her lesson and needed support rather than punishment.

The tension in our household became unbearable. Between my frustration with him and my disappointment in her actions, I found it harder and harder to communicate properly with her. There were constant fights, arguments that seemed to erupt over everything and nothing at the same time. It wasn’t just them; therapy over the past year helped me realize that I played a part too. My hurt and frustration often came out as anger, and instead of addressing things calmly, I let my emotions take control. I was constantly angry and frustrated, and my mood probably created an even more tense and uncomfortable environment for everyone.

So, when she found out about his affair shortly after, she was angry at me and still reeling from everything that had happened. She admitted that part of her decision to stay quiet was fueled by a desire to get back at me. She felt like keeping the secret was her way of taking revenge, though she now realizes how wrong that was. She also told me she had tried to get her father to come clean, but he discouraged her from doing so, telling her that I had already been disappointed enough by her situation and that she shouldn’t make things worse. Feeling trapped, she lied and kept lying, hoping it would somehow blow over without me finding out.

Hearing this from her was heartbreaking. It didn’t justify what she did, but it helped me understand her perspective. Knowing her father pressured her to keep his secret makes my anger toward him even stronger. He broke everything with his affair and then used our daughter to cover for him, making her feel trapped and responsible for his lies. I hate what he put her through. To be honest, our marriage was already going through a rough patch at the time, and we likely would’ve ended up divorcing anyway. However, it’s one thing to fail as a husband, but to fail so completely as a parent is unforgivable. They always had a good relationship, and I never wanted to ruin that for her, even when I was angry. But seeing how he used her in his lies has only deepened my resentment.

I told her that I’ve been hurt, not just by her actions, but by how deeply they shook my trust in her. At the same time, I reminded her that I love her, and I always will. I said that while I can’t change the past, I want to rebuild our relationship.

We agreed to take things one step at a time. I suggested we try online therapy together, and while she was hesitant at first, she agreed. She’s already been seeing a therapist on her own and wasn’t sure about opening up in a joint session, but I think she ultimately realized how much I want to make this work.

I also brought up her brother. They’ve never had the closest relationship, he’s always been more of a reserved, independent person, while she’s more outgoing and emotional. There’s been tension between them in the past, and ever since he overheard what happened with her hiding the affair, they’ve barely spoken. I’ve tried to talk to him about maybe giving her another chance, even when I wasn’t on the best of terms with her. I really want them to have a good relationship, but I also don’t want to push him too much. He’s his own person, and I don’t want him to feel like I’m trying to force him into something he isn’t ready for or doesn’t want to do. He’s allowed to make his own decisions, and if they need time apart to heal, I’ll respect that.

Someone mentioned the unrealistic standards we often hold women to, and I’ve been thinking a lot about that. I don’t hold her to any impossible standard just because she’s a woman. She is the light of my life, but sometimes, I realize I’ve shared everything in such a negative way because of how it all played out. I’m just trying to make sense of it all. I don’t know exactly where I stand or what I’m feeling at times. I’m just moving through life like anyone else, doing the best I can.

Thank you all again for your advice and for giving me the push I needed to start this conversation. It’s not easy, but I’m hopeful we’ll get through this, one step at a time.