Apologies in advance if this is long.

I 23M am currently in a relationship with my girlfriend 21F that’s been going on for about 6 months. It’s genuinely been so great. I’ve only ever known toxicity when it came to the women I let into my life, and this isn’t anything like that. But because of that, it feels so real. And that scares me. I don’t know why. Lately, I’ve found myself thinking of my previous relationship when I’m alone.

My first relationship was full of emotional abuse and eventually cheating. But it was my first relationship so I ignored the signs and let it happen. Once it was over, I developed attachment, trust, and abandonment issues. But that’s not the one I’m thinking about. It’s my second (most recent) one 23F that I can’t get out of my head as of late.

We met over the summer and quickly started a relationship, with no thought at all. Over the summer we were tied to the hip when we weren’t working. We constantly road tripped and sight saw. When summer was over and we went back to work we noticed how much things changed. We lived 40 minutes apart and I didn’t drive because I was in an accident over the summer. They’d come see me when I was injured and still found time to do things together despite being on crutches. It was a lot of lovebombing. Traveling eventually became overwhelming for them and I did feel bad but I couldn’t bring myself to drive after what happened so they were stuck with that burden. And that’s what happened. Seeing me became a burden. And now that we were working, we’d see each other once every week if we were lucky. Eventually I noticed a shift in her behavior. I had been her first serious relationship. Other than me it was just a fwb during college, and she found it hard to trust people because she had abandonment issues and was assaulted a year before we had met. I knew it was tough so I made it my case, to help her through when being in a relationship felt overwhelming. It was hard for her to trust me given how shitty men had been to her for her entire life. I didn’t care when she’d have outbursts and would say shitty things to me, because I knew that she was just reacting to her feelings, and it was a trauma response, at least that’s what I told myself. When we’d have arguments, she was someone who believed that we just needed time apart to cool off. I couldn’t do that. Because I was the only one who had been in a relationship prior, I assumed I knew what she was thinking. I wanted to skip all that and fix it in that moment, not realizing that I was dismissing her feelings. But because of my last relationship, I was afraid that the longer we spent apart, the greater the drift would became, and that terrified me. So I pushed her not knowing I was doing exactly what I was trying to prevent. I’m anxious and she an avoidant. This continued for months. There were really high highs and low lows in between, but we eventually made it through. Some time had gone, we stayed together through rough moments, and she had told me that she felt safe with me now. The one man that had treated her right in her life. And it felt too real after that. I pushed her to go back to school after what happened to her. I was glad to help her even if it meant it would take more of her time. And that’s what happened. After I helped her through her trauma and help get her life on track, I started to feel a disconnect. Some old friends had come into her life and she began to revolve around them. I guess in her head, now that she was better, she could make up for lost time and have friends now that she wasn’t depressed like she was after her assault. So her life revolved around them and school, and I rarely saw her. I’d be lucky enough to get 4-5 texts a day, and I began to feel lonely. She had just told me how she felt safe with me, but yet now was pulling away. We barely saw each other. We were just a title at that point. I would try to bring up my frustrations, but she’d tell me that I was insecure and that I was selfish for not understanding that she didn’t have to revolve around me, and that I had no reason to complain when we saw each other when she was the one driving and making the long trip. She believed that the title was enough. Maybe in hindsight it was. I began to feel like I was a burden to her. Every time we’d argue she’d say the phrase “I could be alone if I wanted to” I had no doubt she could be. Before me, she always wanted to do things alone cuz that’s how she overcame her assault. But also, why even say that. Why let that be an option if you love me? I do think she loved me, but also in a way needed to prove to herself and others that she was capable of being strong and independent and didn’t need a man because they have proven to be shitty to her. When we did talk, it was so heartwarming and loving. When we were alone, it was magical. But eventually, her smile would fade. She didn’t look as happy as she did when we first started dating. I started to feel like I did at the end of my relationship before her, and I began to lash out. I felt unheard, unappreciated, and we start arguments for the hell of it. I was scared that it was going to be a repeat of what had happened to me with someone else. I would make up problems in my mind like she no longer loved me or that she would talk bad about me behind my back. I’d make up anything. And it drove me crazy. Not to mention, the job we worked at over the summer, I had gotten fired from over some messed up stuff. So, knowing she’d be gone over the upcoming summer and I wouldn’t see her also made me feel horrible. And in her eyes, I wasn’t supportive of her because of it. I ended up starting therapy to understand what my first girlfriend had put me through, and to get over what my old job put me through. Eventually I would use therapy to help understand myself and why I act like I do so that I wouldn’t do it to her. I wanted to be better for her. Right before I ended therapy, she decided to leave me, so it ended up being for nothing. Too much had happened that she didn’t believe I could change. And I didn’t blame her. For everything that she’s been through with men, I understand why she couldn’t believe I was capable of change. I just wish she could have. I wish she could’ve been understanding of my trauma responses as I was for her when we first started dating. I wish I could go back and do things differently. As happy as I am in my current relationship, I keep thinking about her and I don’t know why. I don’t know if I’m trying to convince myself that I’m not worthy of being in a healthy relationship. I don’t know if I still have feelings for her. I don’t know if I blame myself for not doing things better and I’m dwelling on it too much. I just don’t know. Maybe I should go back to therapy. But I had been good for months. I don’t know why I’m thinking about this now. Maybe I wish with how healthy this current relationship is, that I could’ve had it with the last girl? I just don’t know now. Thoughts?